Precious lessons, precious moments

I have now officially been back to work for 3 weeks, going on four. It has been a really nice process, getting back into the swing of things, made much easier by my jobs' willingness to let me get back to work slowly. I've been oh "phone duty" since I've been back, and have been able to take it at a slow pace: allowing both my body and mind to get used to doing something other than sit on the couch and type on the computer. Tonight, however, is my first shift OUT of the phone room and back into "reality". Not only was this shift throwing me back into the pool with my responsibilities of old, but it was a shift that threw me right in the deep-end: a shift in the emergency room.

I'm about half way through as I write this, and I'm doing pretty well. But, just like with everything else that has come along with this "experience", I'm learning (well, relearning)lots of lessons. Because I was in the "phone room" for a few weeks before I even went into the hospital, it's been (honestly) about 3 months since I've done anything BUT talk to clients over the phone. I have to now not only relearn all of the little processes that come along with working in emergency, but I also have to relearn how to interact face to face with clients and their pets; both of whom are often distraught over the circumstances that brought them to us in the emergency room in the first place.

A few of our policies have changed, so I am also having to learn and apply those on the spot; but even doing that, I'm finding that getting back into the groove is just like getting back on a bike. Sure, it takes a little time to get my balance and bearings, but after a little bit of practice, I'm cruising right along unassisted.

That assistance in coming back has definitely made a big difference too. I can always depend on our amazing doctors, technicians and fellow receptionists to help me along the way, should I need it. It is an amazing feeling to not only really enjoy what you do, but to enjoy it AND be surrounded by other people who enjoy it as well. I really love all of the people that I work with, and am eternally grateful for their patience, guidance and help that they have given me, even when they were busy. It's great being part of any team, but to be a part of a team that has the same passion that you do is a truly wonderful experience. And although a lot of the lessons from today have served as "reminders", this is one lesson that I had not forgotten. The support that everyone has given me has been strong all along; tonight is nothing new. And even before my latest difficulties, I was aware of how amazing everyone is here. This had been our veterinary hospital for several years before I started working here last year. I had direct experience with every ones loving care before I got to actually work directly with them. It was a dream come true to get the job here; I knew I was going to be part of something that would impact the lives of people and their pets. Through the good times, and the bad.

And that brings me to the biggest lesson that I have had to relearn since I started my shift tonight. Beyond relearning my job and its responsibilities and beyond becoming more aware of my limitations and my can/cannot do's, I've had to relearn the hard lessons of being a pet owner. The hardest lesson being the one we all must someday regrettably face: the lesson that our furry children have life spans that are greatly shorter than ours. And that some day, a day that will come too soon for us all, we will have to say goodbye.

I can't say that this lesson had been one that I truly "forgot". Just a few days ago I read a post about this very difficult subject at one of the blogs we follow, "Whippet Snippets". And I know all of us Sheltie-bloggers are aware of the scare that Gio and his mom (and brother Romeo) faced just last week. We never know when our beloved friends time will come; we just know that it will come far too soon. And we know that there is always that possibility for the "emergency". Even if our pet is young and healthy, there may be a day that something tragic suddenly occurs; maybe, like in my own case, it will not be life ending, but life altering. No one knows when they will come up, or what the outcome will ultimately be: that's why their called emergencies! But although no one is ever prepared for one, just know that caring people in terms of veterinarians, technicians, and receptionists will be there; maybe not being medically able to save your friend, but hopefully making the process of saying goodbye even the slightest bit less painful. No one can ever take that kind of anguish away, but maybe someone will be able to lessen it a little bit.

I am so grateful for my job...not only because having a job in this tough economy is a blessing in itself, but I am REALLY grateful to have MY JOB. I get to go to work somewhere that is a state-of-the-art facility with a great reputation (which I can personally attest to!), work with incredibly caring and compassionate people who truly care about the pets, their owners and coworkers, and do a job that touches peoples lives every day. And all of those qualities combined not only make going to work a privilege, but a pleasure. Even though some days are tough, especially those days spent in the emergency room, those tough days are the days that teach you the most important lessons of all: our time here is short, and our time spent with the furry loves-of-our-lives is even shorter. Make sure you make the most out of every moment with them. You never know which moment may be the last you will share. Don't live your days in darkness and fear, but in light and in love.

I'm glad to be back to a more "normal" shift at work, and glad to be learning (and relearning) some important lessons while I'm here, but I am going to be even more happy and grateful when I can go home and hug my dogs. Snuggling with them, stroking their pointy Sheltie-heads and entwining my fingers in their soft fur is going to be a wonderful way to end today; and a reminder to pray that I get to experience the same precious gifts tomorrow.

Back to work, but still healing...

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been so long since the Shelties and I have updated; I was able to go back to work 2 weeks ago and it's taking a little time to get used to. I was supposed to go back part time (dr.s orders) but as business has been a bit slower and our hours are at full-time minimum (35-36 per week) so I figured that I would give full time a go. Looking back now, after two weeks have gone by, Im not sure that was the smartest decision. Ive been EXHAUSTED! Although I cannot be sure that it has been STRICTLY work that has made me so tired; Im still having some issues with bleeding (just part of the territory when you're on coumadin and Plavix) and I haven exactly been resting on my time off. The first week back wasnt so bad, but last week was the killer. I had been put on a 4 night schedule, and then Friday day. It was 5 straight shifts with all but one night. It was hard to get used to, and definitely took it's toll. But even being that tired from working, it was hard to say "no" to going outside when it feels like the never-ending winter is finally drawing to a close.



It's not like I feel obligated to be outside, but it feels like a tremendous waste if Im not. I have learned so much from this whole experience about not letting life's precious moments slip by; knowing that nothing in life is garunteed, including tomorrow. And I know that applies to not only my own life, but to the other lives I cherish so much. Having to leave my girls at home all day has made going back to work that much harder. I know that they are either curled up on the couch or on their memory-foam beds sleeping, and they really arent that concerneed at all about where I am or what Im doing, but I am the complete opposite. I think I have developed separation-anxiety! Sure, work is busy and I have to focus on the task at hand but during the down times it's hard to prevent my mind from thinking about them and fantasizing about the next adventure that we will have: walking in the woods or through open fields, running on the beach or kayaking.



Now, I know that my girls need exercise: theyre herding dogs bred to be outside moving their flocks around day in and day out. I also know what a well exercised dog looks like: tounge hanging out, look of glee on their face, and knowing that they are wondering when they'll be able to take a nap! And I know that exercising them is as easy as sitting on my back deck throwing the frisbee through the yard. Sure they love to do that, and it is a tool that I can use on days like today where we may not be able to do anything else, but...what fun is it? I know that we both like being outside hiking or taking a long walk much more. So thats what we've been doing. Hitting the beach last weekend, walking in Newburyport and at Woodsom Farm on Friday and then hiking some cross-country trails and walking at a park and playing Chuck-It on Saturday. But as juch fun as it all was, an as much as we all enjoyed every second of it, I think that the plan may have back fired.



In my attempt to enjoy life more and not letting any moment go to waste, Im afraid I wore all of us out. Im afraid I forgot that as much as we like being out there, enjoying the slightly warmer weather, the stronger sun and the fresher air, it is important for us to continue to take baby-steps. Im still not 100% and still have a long road of recovery ahead. If I continue to take steps at leaps and bounds rather than at a slower and more comfortable pace, then Im going to be on this road for a longer period of time. Im going to find myself getting more tired and more frustrated. Im going to look back and wish that I could do it all again, wish that I would have taken my time. And of course this also goes for the girls. They too have been cooped up all winter with out much exercise. Their little muscles and joints will also need some time to warm up, stretch out and adjust to a more demanding work out. Although they also love to be outside and will do anything or go anywhere that I ask, I have to keep their health and well being in mind. Just because we all want to, and our spirit is willing, doesnt mean that we can or that our bodies are yet ready.



So we, well I, made some mistakes this past weekend. We did too much, too quickly. Although yes, I did rest (I was so tired, I couldnt help but not to) I also pushed us harder than we should have been. We walked and hiked at about 4 different locations and played Chuck-It to top it off. Needless to say, now that the new work week has begun, I still feel tired. And I KNOW the girls do, because they are both sleeping right now! Heidi is stretched out against the side of the couch and Shelby is curled up in Heidi's crate. They are probably going to be thanking their lucky stars that I'll be gone today! They'll at least finally get to rest!



So as you can see, Im still continuing to learn. This experience is still teaching me lots. Im still going to be hard pressed to stop myself staring out the window day dreaming while I watch the beautifully setting sun, and Im still going to be itching to get out and enjoy the weather that I know will just get more and more pleasant, but Im also going to really try and remember to take it easy; to take it slow. Although I dont want to waste any of the precious time that I have, I also dont want to rush through it so fast that Im not enjoying or remembering it. I want to make sure that I notice the sound of the wind gusting through the pine boughs, making them creak and whine while they are pushed and pulled. I want to make sure I appreciate the smallness that I feel as I watch the waves crash against the rocky shore with the sun sinking slowly into the vastness of the sea beyond. I want to forever imprint the earthy, citrusy smell of nature (and their Quantum natural tick repellant!) that my dogs keep in their fur after one of our favorite walks. I love how that smell fills me up like drink as I wait for sleep to carry me away to my dreams.



So this is the goal for the days off that are coming up next (this Friday and Saturday). Sure we'll be out and about if the weather is nice and enjoying a bit of it, but I'll also take some time to read some of the books that are still lingering around from my work absence, catch up on everyones WONDERFUL doggy blogs, and maybe even watch some movies (yes, Lassie is included!) My girls will get to play more indoor games, and get to munch on a few more treats. You know, the stuff that Sheltie dreams are made of. I dont doubt that we will hit some "doggy stores" and do a few "field trips" as well, but I really am going to try and remain concious of the fact that we are still supposed to be RESTING. Im going to try to keep in mind that although the days seem beautiful right now, they are only going to keep getting better; if I wear myself out at this stage of the game, Im going to be REALLY upset at not having any energy once the seventy degree days hit. And of course my girls will be pretty upset too!!

Luckily the weather for this weekend is forecast to be cloudy and a bit rainy this weekend, so that will help keep me indoors and in the slow lane. The Shelties dont really like being out in the drizzle either (yes, they WERE bred to live on the Shetland Islands, home of some of the worlds wors weather!) so Im sure they too will be content just snuggling and hanging out. Although I will be thee first one to say that I have a long road ahead, and will be the last to say that this journey is over, I am so lucky that I have such wonderful Heart-Dogs to help me through this all. I know I still have much to learn, and I know that they still have much to teach. Lucky for me their love, patience and intuitiveness is never ending and unconditional. I will be forever grateful to my furry Sheltie-shaped Angels.

Part 2: My Mom's many gifts

So in my last post, I started talking about the amazing freedom I felt being out on the open water in a kayak. This brings me to the "craziness" I also mentioned. My mom actually BOUGHT me a kayak for Christmas this year. I was kind of sad and disappointed at first. I was in the beginning of my medical ordeal and felt weak and unhealthy. I felt like I had had my independence and possibly my life as I knew it stolen away; how dare she buy me something that I would never ever be able to use! But my mom knows me better than I think I know myself. She knew that it would be something that I would start looking forward to as I started feeling better. And she was right. A week or two ago, I was feeling so good, and so excited for the future, I went out into the garage, unwrapped it ( it was wrapped up because it had been shipped) and got in. I just wanted to get the feel for it; see how well the girls and I fit. I called the girls over and lifted Heidi in. This is where we hit a little snag. Heidi would fit in, but just barely. This is a sit-inside kayak, and there just wasn't enough room for my legs and the dogs to fit inside comfortably. Heidi was finally able to sit, but there was no way Shelby was getting in. I felt a huge wave of disappointment. I had taken a trip with the girls down the Saco river in Maine lat yearand it was WONDERFUL. As much as I enjoyed boating when I was a kid, being able to bring the dogs along made the whole experience better. It was a lot more fun. And that trip had increased my want for a kayak of my own ten-fold. Just look at these pictures!
So now that they wouldn't fit...I didn't know what to do. I did sort of have a solution, but...it was going to be hard to pull off. When I had been shopping for Christmas, I went into a sporting goods store to buy my mom some winter gear because she's the one who snow-blows (I dont know why she doesnt trust me with doing it...). That's when I saw it. The boat of my DREAMS. The "Peekaboo" kayak from "Ocean Kayak". It was a sit-on-top, so it was easier to get in and out of (especially on the water). It has a clear window cut-out directly in front of the seat; I didn't so much care about using the window to look through: it was a perfect place for Shelby to sit! She likes being close to me in the boat. I can't have her sit on my lap, because that would make paddling impossible. So there was a seat for Shelby, but what about Heidi? Well, upon further inspection it looked like Heidi was all set too! There is a "jump seat" (which means a smaller, flat seat) on the bow built right into the plastic mold of the boat. Heidi LOVES riding the bow of the boat. This would be perfect for her. This boat was everything that I wanted. I went home and looked online to see how much it ran price wise. Yeah...the retail price was about 850$ That's A LOT of money. And that's just for the boat! You still need a paddle and life-jacket! When I got the kayak from my mom for Christmas, I figured I would use it this year, and save my money to buy the other one next spring. Maybe by that time the price would have gone down.

So, that was my master plan until the other day. I would just have to paddle without the dogs for a while. But an issue still remained. How to actually move and travel with it? For that, I needed a rack for my car. My mom said that she would buy a rack for me for my birthday. So we went up to the Kittery Trading Post (http://www.kitterytradingpost.com/) to go see the racks. The rack was complicated a bit because I needed something to not only hold the boat on my car, but to help me get it up there too. We deiced on the extra piece of equipment, the Yakima ShowBoat. (http://www.yakima.com/racks/kayak-rack/product/8004040/showboat.aspx) When we got to the store and had priced the rack, I asked about a kayak dolly so that I move it easier (put in on wheels, and pull to the water!) The sales associate asked me what type of Kayak I was looking for. I told her the "peekaboo". She said "we have those here in our outside boat yard, you know". I told her that I would go look at them after we were finished there, but asked if she could tell me the price before we went down. She said that usually they ran 850$, but that they were on sale. ON SALE?? For how much?!?! She said:

599$

Are you KIDDING?!? That is two-hundred and fifty dollars off!!! I turned to my mom (who had an expression on her face that was a clear mixture of exasperation and amusement) and told her that I could NOT leave without buying this boat. I would never, EVER find this kayak this cheap. I could put half on one credit card, and the other half on another card. I was rambling this off as an incoherent babble. My mom, always the level head, said we should go and LOOK at it first, before I started whipping out my plastic. So we went outside (and then down stairs) to the outdoor boat yard. There was my baby: it was bright yellow. Yeah...I wasn't prepared for the "yellowness" of it, but at 599$ I would have loved it if it was puke green! It was on the bottom shelf so I was able to pull it out and and then see it up close. The one I had originally seen had been hanging from the ceiling of the store; I wasn't able to really get in it or handle it. I wasn't able to see or feel what 61 lbs. of kayak really felt like.

It felt heavy! Now that I could touch it, I started to pick it up and lift it over my head (as if I was putting it on my car). It was really heavy! I put it back on the ground, and got in it. It was dirty and had leaves and snow in it, but that's because it had sat around for so long. Apparently they (there were two) were on sale because they had been sitting around for months. We were told that when these two sold, they would not be replacing them. So I got in and sat down. It was perfect. Like it had been built just for me and the dogs. It was like they measured my little Shelby, and built the "window seat" just for her. And the bow was plenty big for Heidi. It had sturdy handles built in along the sides, bow and stern. Yes. I had to buy it.

My mom then brought up the subject of how to get it home. Hmmm. We had just gone to LOOK at roof racks, but now we were apparently going to buy one as well. The basic rack that my mom had planned on buying for my birthday had ballooned into the FULL kayak holding/loading rack. The very VERY expensive full kayak holding/loading rack. She said that she would put it all on her credit card and then I would pay her back so she could pay it off. She then insisted that I get a life jacket ("You are NOT buying or getting in that kayak without one!!") and then the paddle AND the dolly. I told her that all of the extras could wait; I wouldn't be able to get out on the water until at least May. There was no rush. But she said we might as well get it all now. I agreed because at least the "damage" would be done and I would know how much I was to pay back.

So we loaded everything up at the register. There was a lot of discounts offered by the KTP that helped a little. They kayak, of course had it's own huge price break. But when you buy a boat here, you get every accessory 10% off. And there were regular sales going on on some of the items as well. So although the bill shocked us both, it could have been worse (everything is relative). I will start paying an extra 100$ a month in addition to what I pay for room and board until it is payed off. Hopefully once my own credit cards are payed off, I can pay more than the measly 100 bucks.

So we left with WAY more than we planned on...you know, especially since we only planned on looking! We had my moms car, so we brought all the pieces of the rack home and will drive them back up in my car on Sunday, when it is scheduled to be installed. The kayak is still there, as we had no way to bring it home on Tuesday. It will come home with us, on my newly installed rack on Sunday too.

I still cannot believe that my mom did not only buy me one kayak, but in fact, two. The other one may be bought by a friend of hers who has also always wanted one, and this will put a small dent in the exorbant amount of money on my moms card. Or my mom may keep it so that maybe we can kayak together. I'm not sure yet what might happen to my first "best gift ever". I just hope that my mom knows how important that it is to me, even if it didn't work out exactly the way that we both wanted it to.

The fact that she bought me something that important is really...amazing. Sure, she bought me something big and expensive. But that's not why it is important or why I think it is the best gift ever. It is the meaning behind it, and the sacrifice she made to get it for me. I felt terrible knowing that I had disappointed her by not being that excited about the first kayak when she first gave it to me. I know how hard she worked to buy it, and how much time and thought she had put into selecting it out of the hundreds of kayaks out there. But I just couldn't see past my own sadness at finally having something that I wanted so badly for so long, and knowing that I might not ever be healthy enough to use it.

But my mom was different. She knew better. Yes, she was disappointed at not being able to see the pure joy and excitement on my face when I had seen it for the first time. She must have been sad that instead of seeing tears of joy she had to see tears of pain. That's obviously not what she intended or expected. But she had hope for the future. She hoped, like only a mom can, that I would get better and I would be able to get out there and enjoy something that I had wanted so badly. I'm sure that she worried that she might be wrong and I might be right and I would not get well enough to safely be out on the water, but nevertheless she had hope. And yes, it turned out that she was the one who was right (as usual). It of course took a lot of time and a lot of healing, but I did get better. And I'm continuing to get better every day.

But I have not only improved because of medical intervention. I got better because of the amazing amount of love from my mom (and dogs) on a daily basis. The patience that she has had with me while I went through all of this has truly made a difference. She let slide when I lashed out in anger because she knew that at the root of that anger was fear and sadness. She never gave up on me, even when my attitude would have driven anyone else from the house. She could always be counted on for words of encouragement (even if I was not always up to listening) and always kept a brave and positive attitude for my sake (although I know what was happening was affecting her as much as it was affecting me.) The fact that she was able to do all of this emotional stuff for me ON TOP of doing everything else is just amazing. She was able to both work and make time to take me to doctors appointments, to parks and stores so that I could walk and build/test my strength, and keep food in the house. She had time to do my taxes (thank GOD...the money from the return has been paying the bills that have already started coming!) AND allowed me to pay my other bills first and then pay her with anything that remained (this was an issue that she NEVER pushed, but I felt like I had to do something for her in return for all that she had done for me...)

She did all that for me when I was sick, and now has done something just as important for me because I am better. The kayak means so much to me already...even though I haven't even been able to use it yet! It has given me something to be really excited about. I know what this kayak is going to mean to me when I am able to use it. Its going to give me freedom; its going to let me let go of all the things that have troubled me for so long. When you're out on the water, you cant help but be in that moment. You stop worrying about work, about doctors appointments, and about the little trivial things in life. You appreciate what is going on in the present. You notice more colors in the sunset and the gentle sound of the paddle and boat slicing through the water. But there is one more thing that I'm going to be aware of while I'm out there: I'm going to ALWAYS remember that it is because of my mom that I get to enjoy all of those things I mentioned. It is because of her and her only. Her kindness, generosity, selfless-ness and belief that things would get better allowed me to enjoy something that my heart has dreamed about for years.

She has always give me so much; she has made huge sacrifices and given me things at her own expense to try and make my life better and easier. Just allowing me to continue to live in her home has been such a huge gift. But with all of her gifts comes responsibility. Although she has given without the expectation of getting anything in return, everything that she has done for me has come with a lesson. Although I live here, I am responsible for room and board, food shopping, cleaning (although she does the bathroom), taking care of the dogs (which isn't a job when you love it!) and doing my own laundry (and some of hers if it is in line). Yes, I can "defer" a little on my payment to her, but I do have to get all of my other bills taken care of and do have to pay her back eventually (again, not that SHE pushes for this, but I try and make sure it's done ASAP). And now I have a kayak. It is up to ME to take care of it, be safe on the water, and get strong enough to load/unload it and use it. It is also up to me to pay back EVERY CENT of the expense. As goD as my witness, I WILL pay it all back. Even if I put off my trip to Florida this year, I WILL pay it all back. I am willing to make sacrifices too. A lesson that of course, was taught by my mom.

I am so thankful to her for everything she has done. And not just through this illness, but through out my whole life. I am strong enough to get through it all because of the strength that she gives me. And I am able to try new things and be who I truly am because of her love, her belief in me, and her support. She's always there to offer them; No matter WHAT crazy idea I come up with!

When I first walked into my "Canine and Feline Behavior" class in college, the first thing the instructor (the woman who changed my direction and focus) said was "I have the BEST dogs in the WHOLE WORLD". Now of course the whole class immediately went into an uproar. We all were convinced that WE had the best dogs on the planet. But the instructor only said it because of the point it raised: everything is relative. We ALL can be absolutely sure that we have the best dog in the world, but no one loves your dog as much as you do. And when it comes to the people in your life, the lesson is the same. I know that everyone out there believes that they have the best mom. But I know that to argue would be pointless. My mom is the best mom to ME. I just wanted to show everyone how special she is and how important she is to me. And of course how much I love her. I do not need a kayak. I dont even need to live in a house. I could be living in a cardboard box with nothing but the clothes on my back, and my dogs as companions, but I would never stop being grateful to, or loving my mom. She's done so much more than just bring me into this world: she's made sure I haven't left yet.

Getting back to good

So the verdict is in. After many MANY weeks of waiting, I can FINALLY go back to work! I called the doctor'f office on Monday (like I was supposed to) to get the results of my monitor. They weren't in (which I also expected...). So I called back Tuesday afternoon. They were in! The doctor said that I had a "significant" number of extra beats (yeah, no kidding...I felt them pounding away after all!) I had a lot of premature atrial contractions, but no prolonged tachycardia. I did not have any ventricular tachycardia...which is good, because that can be deadly. (Especially when you only have one ventricle!) As of right now, the only thing he said to do was just slightly up my morning dose of medication. I can't up or change it too much, because my blood pressure is so low. (It usually runs less than 100). I'm going to see him in a few weeks, and hopefully by then he will have some other options for me. In the mean time, I can go back to work (yay!!) He really wasn't thrilled about me driving, but as it is only 15 minutes away, I know the drive well and promised to drive safely, he said I could drive there. I still don't think I'm supposed to drive any where else for a while. I can probably drive to Lowell for the River Walk, but I'm sure I'm not supposed to go much further than that.
This, right now, isn't a problem. The weather is still quite cold (although we're expecting 50's+ this weekend!) and I don't want to be out in the woods somewhere with the dogs and then run into trouble. So for right now, we'll stick with the river walk. As every day goes by, I can do a little bit more and get a little bit stronger. I know that going back to work will wear me out, but hopefully it will make me stronger in the long run as well.
So, what does going back to work mean for us all? It means that I can get back into life's groove; get back on a regular schedule and back out into the real world. But going back to work has repercussions for life outside of work too. I'll no longer be home with my dogs ALL DAY. Their routines are going to change quite a bit too. But I don't want them to change too drastically. I have really enjoyed the daily things that we've been able to do together (while being trapped in the house) and don't want to change that just because I'll be gone from the house for 35 hours a week now. I'm going to try and make sure that we still get to do all of those special things; before or after work. I might not be able to do them all everyday, but...I'd still like to try. They're just little things, but they've definitely brought both me and the girls closer. They are things that we both enjoy. And not only am I going to be disappointing them by now leaving them every day for hours at a time, but try to take those things away too? I owe it to them to try and make sure that those little things still happen. They have done so much for me over the past few weeks; they deserve to still have special time with me when I get home from and before I go to work.
So I'm going to not only try and get the little things in (like brushing them every day, playing ball in the hallway until we can get out in the yard, etc.) but we're going to get some bigger special things in as well. When I was working before, my days off were Friday and Saturday. I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that these days don't change. It was nice because I would have one whole day to get everything necessary done (cleaning, food shopping, laundry etc.) and then the second day would be "doggy day". This was a special day where we did something or went somewhere we couldn't on the other days of the week. We would spend hours at the beach, drive to the mountains for a day of hiking and swimming, or go to a dog show. It was a really nice routine that we had; something really fun and special for all of us. I'm excited that I'll be able to do that stuff again. Spending so much time with the girls has been a really good and life changing experience. I've been shown how important we are to each other; how important they are to my health, healing, and sanity! I want to make sure that they are NEVER taken for granted and that they always feel special.
I know that going back to work is going to take some getting used to. For not only my body, but my mind too. I know that I will come back really tired for the first few weeks, and that I may not be able to anything too grand too quickly. But I'm OK with this; I think I would be having a harder time if it were warmer and I was able to drive further. Knowing that it was the first 60+ degree day and I could drive the 45 minutes to the beach would be torture for me if I didn't feel up to making and enjoying the trip because I was too fatigued. So hopefully this strengthening process with take me right up until the time when the warm weather does arrive and when I can travel extra distance it takes to bring us to our favorite places.

But something that is making the wait a little less easy to take, is something that happened the other day. My mom did something...a little crazy. And she did it for me.

I have wanted a kayak since I was probably 10 or 11 years old. I used to spend summers at my grandfathers camper in a really nice park on a lake in New Hampshire. I used to spend the long lazy days out on the water, both swimming and kayaking. It was absolute BLISS; heaven to a young girl who wanted to just escape the pressures of being a pre-teen and worrying about things that were important back then: boys, music and clothes. I just got to be alone with my own thoughts and really focus on what I wanted for MY future, without the input of my somewhat biased friends. Even back then, all I wanted to do was learn and think about dogs. I closed this love off for a while because it was an uncool subject to be interested in. Only when I was able to get into college did I really become comfortable with who I really was and what the passion was that was driving me. Those summers in New Hampshire let me be me for just a little while; it was liberating not having to pretend I was someone that I really wasn't. Trying to hide who you are and be something that you are not is exhausting. Although I still struggle with the insecurity of being a "loner" and being "different" because I spend my free time at agility class instead of bars, watch "It's me or the dog" instead of "The Bachelor", and spend more time and effort on my dogs diet than my own, I do feel more comfortable with who I really am. And that's been helped along by truly great friends (who actually ask me how my girls are...they acknowledge that they are MY kids!) and of course, my mom.

I didn't want this post to be too long, so In my next one I'll let you know just how much my mom knows me; what she has done for me and what she has given me...even if she doesn't know it.

Change of seasons, change of heart

The side yard: Friday


The same side yard: yesterday

The side yard one more time: today

I think Mother Nature must have a wicked sense of humor. Apparently she thinks its funny to tease people with beautiful warm spring temperatures one day, and then smack us with icy cold winter ones the next. Keep in mind that while you are out frolicking (or tossing around a frisbee) on those warm days, Mother Nature is plotting against you. She is bringing together several weather systems that, when joined, make up a huge mass of mess. And that mess is heading right for you. What, you may be asking, is the problem here? I mean, April (or in this case, March) showers bring May flowers right? Well that would be case if the huge storm steaming up the east coast right was bringing RAIN SHOWERS. But, alas. The storm headed for us here in New England is bringing snow. LOTS AND LOTS OF SNOW. It is forecast that we are supposed to be getting 10-15 INCHES! And Methuen, where Im located, is going to be right in the middle.

This isnt a storm that blankets ski country in Northern Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. This also isnt strictly a coastal storm that slams into the Cape and Islands. No, this storm is supposed to wallop us here in Massachusetts and Rhode Island. The "strike zone" runs from Rhode Island up through central Mass and Boston, to the North Shore, Merrimack Valley, and Southern New Hampshire. The Shelties and I live in that snow-belt: North of Boston; the boundary between the Merrimack Valley and North shore; on the border New Hampshire.

Yeah. Just our luck I guess. I mean, Im not saying that I wish this bohemouth of a storm on anyone else. Lord knows we've all had enough of the winter weather. But this is getting just a bit ridiculous. I mean, I understand that it is only March 1st and we've technically got a few more weeks of winter to go. (The groundhog did see his shadow this year, right??) But I think every one is pretty sick of the winter. Everyone is sick of getting up and shoveling, spreading ice melt, and driving behind plows on the highway. Everyone is sick of the cold temperatures that bite at any skin left exposed between layers and layers of clothes. The dogs are sick of wading through chest height cold white soup, getting ice and snow balls tangled in their hair, and having to wear booties. They dont like being this inactive. And maybe, for me anyways, this is where the root of the problem lies.

This winter has been tough. For obvious reasons. Im usually pretty active in the winter, which in turn, means the girls are pretty active too. We usually enjoy our winter walks on packed paths through the woods and fields. We never go out when it is really bitterly cold, but on the milder days, we can usually always be found out of doors enjoying our strolls. But this year we've been essentially house (and hospital) bound. The few times that we have been able to get out and about have just been within the past few weeks. Other than that, we've pretty much been winter shut ins.

I think that this is really why I am feeling so sick of winter. I cant ever remember being "fed up" with a season before. I mean, I LOVE living in New England. The change of seasons here are unlike any where else. Usually one season dominates another. Sure, people in Alaska may see spring, summer and fall, but they are usually all rolled into one brief interlude between winters. And in places like Florida, theres only one season with slight temperatire fluctuations that give you variations of that season; that season being summer. In New England though, we see every single change of season with really bright and predictable differences. In winter we get cold temperatures and snow. Sure, some years it is colder and snowier than others, but every winter is fairly the same. Temps that range from the balmy 40's to the bone chilling minus teens. Then comes spring. Spring brings the milder temperatures and warmer breezes. The beginning of spring brings the surplus of water from winters thaw and April's showers. The end of spring brings the really nice warmth that allows you to spend all day outside, and the renewal of life. The trees become full again and the flowers bloom so fast and so bright, that the previous world of gloom and gray is suddenly transformed into a bright world of color. Then spring changes almost imperceptiably into summer. The start of summer brings warmer weather, but this warmer air is still laden with the perfumed scent of springs still blooming flowers. As the temperatures continue to rise, the real fun begins. Swimming in any kind of water you can find: pools in back yard, lakes and streams in the mountains, and in the ocean at the beach. All of the other really fun outdoor activities can restart too: biking, kayaking, and hiking. True, just like with winter, the exteme temperatures of summer can grow tiring as well. By then end of summer you are bored with and sick of the really blistering hot dog days of August, but just as you are growing weary of it, summer changes to fall. Fall truly is a season that may not be able to be fully descibed here. I just may not be able to give the season the justice it deserves. The temperatures cool back down again, but dont immediately get cold; only more comfortable. You can shut of the air-conditioners and throw your windows open wide. The walks can grow longer and more frequent now that your not having to go at odd hours like in the early morning or late evening to avoid the heat. Although the leaves on the trees and shrubs are nearing the end of their life's cycle, they really come alive. The cooler temperatures allow the foliage to explode with color: the rich red, orange and yellow hues paint everything that the eye can see. The whole landscape is transformed. People from all over the world come to see YOUR beautiful back yard. It really is something truly amazing to behold. This is the season when you are most grateful to live here in New England. But before you can get really used to and comfortable with the season, it changes once again. The end of fall sees the cool temperatures plummit into COLD temperatures. The beautiful colored leaves continue to wither and then fall away. The landscape once again becomes barren; but it still retains a certain beauty about it. The sunsets become earlier, and the skies become grayer: a sign of the snow and winter to come.

Although every season has it's own beauty and magic to it, once the novelty of the season has worn off, some of its charm starts to wear away too. And of course other things happening in life can affect your feelings about a season as well. This season has been hard not only on me, but on a lot of people out there. On his Bedlam Farm blog, author Jon Katz has been writing on this very subject for almost the whole of this winter. The tough economic times, changing world around us and our own personal situations have become a cause for great concern for us all. We find ourselves worrying more; living in fear of what is to come. When will the other shoe drop? What is to become of us all? I think that the bleakness of winter and the inability to occupy our time with more positive activities has lead us down a path of more anxiety about turbulance and turmoil that has surrounded us. But there is hope.

Spring will find us. It will come to us all. It is Natures way of reminding us that there are still things to look forward to. If we can just get through the gray murkiness of where we are now, we will find ourselves in a much better, warmer and more colorful place. And again, this is both in terms of the seasons and in our lives. If we put everything into perspective, we will stop worrying so much about the future, but be able to look at it with a more positive eye. We will be able to get back to basics, and really find out what is most important to each of us. If we can just get through this next winter storm, and look at the beauty of the snow as it falls and decorates our landscape for perhaps the last time this year, we will be able to appreciate it (instead of laothe it). And when the warmth and hope of spring finally does come, we will be able to appreciate that more too.

So Im going to try and keep my spiritis up through these last few weeks of winter. Hopefully the start of spring will also see the restart of my life. I'll hopefully be able to get back to work and ease a little bit of my economic worry. And just as the warmer weather arrives, I'll also hopefully be able to really get out and enjoy that too. But in the mean time, Im going to enjoy the flakes as they fall today, and really marvel in the beauty that will hopefully be the last of winter.

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**For any one who has missed seeing the Shelties in this post, fear not! Here are some pictures of the girls on our recent walks; the one taken with the grass was on Friday (temps in the 50's!!) and the snowy ones were taken last night before the snow started to really fall and pile up (when I wrote this blog). The girls ask if you could kindly refrain from laughing at them in their coats and booties. They wear them to protect from the snow and ice. (And sand and salt used to treat the public path; which is why they're wearing them in the picture from Friday too!) I also apologize for the bright lights in the pictures (those would be the reflective strips on their booties, caught in the flash!) and the "Scarey eyes" on the girls (also due to the stupid flash). And as of right now, we probably have about 10 inches or so...I havent been brave enough to actually go out and measure!

Heidi sporting the latest Sheltie winter-wear

A picture of Shelby doing what Shelties do on lazy snow-days. "Im sorry, did you just ask me if I wanted to go out? In THAT??"

Birthday Surprises...

Does that title sound familiar? It might if you're a "Harry Potter" fan. It is the title of chapter 18 in "The Half-Blood Prince". If you haven't read the book, beware! Spoilers ahead! The chapter is about how Ron, Harry's best friend, gets poisoned by accident on his birthday. Thankfully, he makes it. You're probably wondering why on Earth I'm bringing this chapter up, as it sounds pretty horrifying. Don't worry, no one gets poisoned...

Yesterday was Shelby's birthday. She turned the big 0-6 yesterday! I cant believe that my "little one" is 6! It seems like she will always be "the baby" to me...

We started the day with our requisite snuggle in bed before getting up. I told her Happy Birthday over and over, but I did not sing. I did not want to hurt her ears on her special day! I usually don't make a huge deal out of the girls birthdays; I don't throw parties for them and their doggy friends (partly because they're so snobby!) and I usually don't go overboard with buying them lots of things. Now if there is something that they need (OK, let be honest...something that I want and have had my eye on for a while...) I will buy it under the guise of it being "for their Birthday". There is one tradition, however, that we honor every year for each of their birthdays: we always go to the doggie bakery for some special goodies.

You're probably shocked that I, the anal retentive Sheltie-Mom who feeds a specialized raw diet on a very strict schedule, would feed my dogs something from a doggie bakery. But come on. To quote Jell-o, "every one needs a little wiggle room". It's their birthday! They deserve something special.

For Shelby's birthday, which again was yesterday (February 27th), we go to the doggie bakery that is close to home. "The Barkery" opened up in Tewksbury (my home town) a few years ago and we've been going ever since. They make everything on premises and use only human grade ingredients. (In fact, some of their stuff is REALLY good...I only nibble on a cookie or two!) They make doggie birthday cakes and a full bakery counter with canine canoli's, baked apple pies and decorated cookies. If you'd like to check it out, here is the link: www.thebarkeryonline.com/ We ended up getting two canine cupcakes (in place of a real cake) and two "Lucky Dog" frosted shamrock cookies. Oh, and a party hat for the birthday girl. (I snuck that in when both girls were fogging up the glass while they stared fixedly at the goodies inside...) Now, I admit that my girls aren't very picky when it comes to food. They'll eat anything that stays still long enough. I always tell people that if they mashed up cardboard and made it look like their thawed-raw then my girls would eat it. But they do seem to have more enthusiasm for some things; their raw for example. But the doggie bakery tends to bring out a whole new side of them. They become wide-eyed crazed demons, with the salivatory capabilities of a Newf on a hot August day. They go nuttier than squirrel poo. I mean, I know some people who have this same reaction when they walk into human bakeries. Trust me. My mom has worked in one for over 21 years; and I was suckered into working there for a little while too. Ive seen that wild look in peoples eye when they smell the fresh hot bread or baking cookies. It's SCARY.

Anyways, for Heidi's birthday it's a little different. Well, the routine isn't different, just the location. It seems like every year for Heidi's birthday, which is July 1st, we're away camping. But we always find our way to the dog store and bakery in North Conway, "Four Your Paws Only" (www.fouryourpawsonly.com/). Now this bakery doesn't make all of their stuff on premises, but it too is all hand made with human grade ingredients. And we can get "Yoghund" frozen yogurt there, which is a little more welcome by hot Shelties in July. We usually end up leaving with both ice cream AND cookies. (And then we go across the street to the 5 and Dime store to get me some fudge!)

So even though we don't usually hold a party, their birthdays are still pretty special. Their bellies feel pretty special anyways! And that brings me to the title of the blog, and it's relation to Chapter 18. I got Shelby ready to celebrate her big day: I put on her very special "It's my paw-ty Birthday Hat! Needless to say, she wasn't happy. In fact, she was pretty miserable. And of course it was made worse by her evil mother taking pictures of her to put here:

Once the "OHMYGODIAMSOPATHETICLOOKING" faces were over (I TOLD you she was a master at looking pitiful...) she decided that she would turn to her sister for help. Maybe Heidi would assist in ridding her of this feather trimmed cardboard piece of shame. But no such luck. However, with the promise of birthday cupcakes, her mood lifted significantly. No surprises there. So I had them sit while I carefully

(and tantalizingly) placed each of their frosted treats in front of them. I had enough time to snap this picture before I released them; I was erring on the side of caution: both dogs were vibrating with hungry excitement, and I wanted to make sure that they didn't explode!

However things started to go wrong when I said "OK" which told them that it was time to eat. Shelby, no doubt using her "Its MY birthday and I can have what ever I want!" card, proceeded to CUT ACROSS her sister (very rudely, might I add...) and STEAL HER CUPCAKE! I had to quickly intervene to make sure that Shelby (being the speed-eater that she is) didn't wolf down her (previously Heidi's) cupcake and go back in for the other one! I snatched that cupcake up and gave it to Heidi. Shelby in the mean time had peeled off her frosting and was chewing the dense little cake so furiously that tiny bits rained on the floor. I checked back with Heidi. Heidi's always had problems eating. She seems to be laboring under the delusion that she has no teeth. She LICKS everything. It's a good thing their raw food is very soft after its thawed; she licks every bit of it. When I give them raw bones, it takes her HOURS to eat them because she tries licking the meat from the bone. (Which, for obvious reasons isn't that successful.) The only things that she does seem to chew are bully-springs and MY CLOTHES. I have had many socks perforated by her "non-existent" teeth. So I watched her pretty close to make sure that she was in fact trying to eat it, and not just lick it to death.

She was, in fact, trying to figure out how the heck to eat this thing. Finally, after many minutes of softening it up with Heidi spit, she was able to eat it. This is when the second bout of trouble started. She kept breaking off little pieces, swallow them, and would then stop eating. I couldn't figure out what was going on; why would she stop eating this seemingly delicious snack half way through? I kept picking up the pieces and offering them to her, to encourage her to finish eating them. I told her that if she didn't finish them, then Shelby would. She ate a few more, and then could be persuaded no more. I decided to let Shelby have the rest. I got a few pictures of Shelby snatching up the crummies off the flood before I rechecked on Heidi. That's when I noticed something was wrong. She was standing stiff and still, but seemed both hunched and diminished at the same time. She was kind of gagging; not coughing or sputtering, but clearly trying to unstick something. I made sure she was breathing and then thumped her hard on the back. I thumped and thumped, and then tried the doggie Heimlich. That's when she started retching. Suddenly a thick, white foam started bubbling in her mouth. She spit some of it out onto the floor and I could see a hunk of cupcake in it. But she was still not right. Her eyes were liquidy and seemed to be sparkling with tears. I thumped harder and heaved her stomach again. More and more frothy white foam laced with cupcake. Finally after the third batch was hurled up, she started to look and act better. She was able to move and walk around.

I stopped panicking and calmed down; I was not going to have to rush her to work (the veterinarian) to get her checked. She was improving. I offered her some water and she turned away from it. I begged her to take a drink; "do it for mummy" I pleaded...and she took a few laps. She stopped again, and I knew that she still wasn't 100% Suddenly Shelby's attack dog instincts kicked in when she heard someone on our street. She started barking in her her big-dog scary voice, and ran to the window. That's when Heidi joined in: jumping and barking right alongside her sister. I knew she would be fine.

She took a few more sips of water, and let out a VERY un-ladylike belch, and has been OK ever since. It was a scary moment there, for a minute. What started out as happy birthday celebrations quickly turned into a tense, white knuckle situation. Luckily, just like with Ron, everything turned out OK. Shelby was even able to finish looking for crummies:

Just as an afterthought, (in case anyone is wondering) things with me have been pretty quiet. I was able to see some friends this week, thanks to their willingness to share their free time to hang out with me. It was nice to talk about other things and hear what was going on in other peoples lives, rather than sitting and always thinking about my own circumstance.

I've also spent quite a bit of time planning for a trip that I'm planning to take in October. My best friend since the age of four is getting married in Miami (on a cruise ship!) this year. I took two weeks off of work to drive down there with the girls. Its been fun finding neat things to do both down and back along the east coast during that time; I'm really looking forward to seeing so many great things with my kids. More on the trip to come!!

Well, that's it for now. I've got to go and check on the Shelties. I've got to make sure that they're still not high on birthday cupcake. You know what they say about too much of a good thing...

Who needs whom?

So today was the day. They day to see the doctor, and to get a progress report. I was nervous because although I fell better, I certainly do not yet feel 100%. But I definitely feel well enough to go back to work. I wanted to make sure that I got that particular point across. (I sure am sick of sitting at home...but of course it has been made easier by the unwavering companionship of my girls.) We waited for a little while for my name to be called, and after what seemed like forever, we finally were ushered in. In general, the appointment started off pretty good. I explained that I was doing better with my breathing, and had started walking. He then asked me all of the routine things: meds, anything else going on, etc. This is where we hit the snag. I explained that my palpitations were getting worse. I had complained about them during our previous visits, and during the time that I spent in the hospital. They showed up every time on the monitor as PVC's (premature ventricular contractions). No one seemed to be worried at that point. But at mentioning them this time, he became fairly concerned. He asked me to describe them. I told him that it felt like my heart was pounding; not in a fast, racy way, but in a smacking-against-my-sternum kind of way. I told him that they were AWFUL. Yes, they were enough to effect my life. If I was doing something and they started, then I would definitely focus on them and less on the task at hand. They were bothering me so much the other night that I took my meds early because they were POUNDING so hard. And it doesn't matter what I'm doing. They occur at rest, and both during and after activity. They occur when it is 9:00 in the morning, 12:30 in the afternoon or at 7:45 at night. They're definitely feeling stronger and occurring a lot more often.

As he was doing his exam, he said that I had described them perfectly. He said that what I was feeling was essentially what was happening. OK, good. I'm glad that he knows what they are. Or does he? He is the type of doctor who likes to have EVERY base covered. (Which is why he ordered an echo before my 2nd cath to rule out a possible clot. After the echo that pretty much cleared that problem, he still went in through my neck to make absolutely sure that there really truly was nothing there. Yeah, he is nothing if not thorough.) So he decided he would attach a Holter-Montitor for 24 hours (which I'm wearing right now.) I have to write in a journal when I eat, sleep, feel anything and do any type of activity. I then have to turn it in as soon as I can. This last part is pretty important, because at the end of the visit when I was checking out and making my plans for the next follow up appt (8 weeks from now) I was told that no, I CANNOT go back to work until we figure out what this arrhythmia is. He was also really adamant about me still not driving. He wants to make sure that I do not suffer some sort of episode and pass out. Yeah. That thought was comforting. But at least we're going to get to the bottom of it. For me, these palpitations have been tougher to deal with, and a bit scarier than even the shortness of breath. I FEEL these in a very strong, and annoyingly painful way. And they worry me because these are coming directly from THE HEART. They're not some blood clot in my leg that MIGHT later be dangerous; not extra vessels branching from a vein on its WAY to my heart. This IS my heart. And to have it feel like it is pounding so much and working so hard is scary. As I type this right now, the palpitations are RAGING. Good for the monitor, I guess...

So, after I got the not so good news of being out even LONGER, I went to work to let them know. They were, once again, very understanding. They told me to make sure that I was continuing to heal, and to come back when I was healthy and ready. I am really thankful and lucky to be able to work for a really understanding company, and with such kind people. With their understanding and help, I have really been able to worry less about the goings on at work and how I was "screwing" everyone over, and more on getting better so that I could come back well. AND they not only check in on me, but on everyone in our family; they always ask about how my mom and girls are. It's really sweet, and it is really appreciated.

But on that note, I've realized lately how lonely I am. I mean, I know that I have amazing friends and family, but no one is living in a disease with you. Of course what ever illness your trying to get through effects everyone around you; my mom, extended family, friends and job are all examples of that. But to actually be dealing with your bodies shortcomings and breakdowns day in and day out is really taxing on your mind and spirit. I generally am able to keep both positive and upbeat but on some days (days like today, for example) I just find myself feeling pretty alone and a little down. Especially when I need to walk away from my friends at work, or watch my mom walk out the door without me.

I'm sure that lots of people feel this way. And that's because you cannot possibly tell the people in your life everything. Although they would never admit it, if you were to tell them every emotion that you felt, or shared with them every thought or opinion that sprung to mind, they would quickly grow weary of your company. Your relationships would be worn so thin that they would eventually snap. And it is certainly not anyones fault. Everyone is just trying to get through the things tossed into the path of their own lives. Everyone is just trying to make the most of the time that we are given. So, when the people who love you most in life are busy with their own things, between your emergencies and when you really need them, what do you do with all of these feelings? You can either bottle them up, tell your therapist who is trained (and paid!) to make sense of it all, or you confide in your pets.

As I've said before, this particular time dealing with sickness has taught me a lot. It has really opened my eyes and my heart to things that I had been previously been missing out on. And my girls have definitely helped me in this area most of all. You see, dogs don't have their own lives to be getting back to when yours has been "stabilized". YOU are their whole lives. They not only depend on you for everything that keeps them alive, but they also want to be with you more than they want anything else in the world. And that bond is not only because you are the one holding the dish of food. It is because they are love. Pure love. If you lost everything and found yourself living in a cardboard box and suddenly there was no filled food bowls to be found, your dog would still stick by your side. Because they are all love. All the time. They give you the whole of their beings. All of their hearts. All of their souls. And they ask for very little in return. As fickle, unpredictable and temporary as people are, pets are always honest, constant, and permanent. They are a true gift. And for me, a reason to keep going.

But I wonder if I am putting too much of my problems and stress on my dogs. I wonder if I am burdening them emotionally; I know that I am leaning on them more heavily now than ever. My relationships with them have become more intense; which is both therapeutic and terrifying. On one hand, they are the perfect therapists: they will never take what you told them in strict confidence, and throw it back in your face during a fight; they will never think your crazy; and they will never share your secrets with another living soul. But although they are helping me emotionally and spiritually, there are just some things that they cannot, and will not ever be able to do. This is when the fear sets in. Although our relationships with dogs are as intimate (or maybe more intimate) than our relationships with the closest people in our lives, our dogs dependence comes back to haunt us. Not only will they not be able to drive you to a hospital, sit with you while you lay sick in your bed, or offer you encouragement before a major procedure, but they will sometimes make the already difficult situation a little more complex. Some one will need to take on the duty of caring for them while you are unable to. You are now depending on people: friends, family and strangers (doctors and nurses) for support both in the hospital and out. It is a tough pill to swallow. The beings that fill in the "love void" when all of those people are busy leading their own lives (and rightly so) in between the crises that arise, are suddenly banned from your side. Even if you are in a small local hospital that allows the patients pets to visit, there will still be limitations. Your dogs cannot drive; they will need a ride to and from their visit. They also will not be able to stay all day; even if the hospital were to permit it, you may be to weak or unstable to be taking care of their potty needs.

So what are we, myself and the people in similar positions, to do? On one hand, we find ourselves drawing more closely and becoming more dependant on our pets, but on the other we are unable to truly have them close by when we truly need them. It seems to be a delicate balance; a balance that I am really struggling to find. I have never been able to be really close to people. Even friends that I have had for years I have drifted from. It seems that once the physical distance grows, the emotional distance does too. And I know that I alone am to blame for this ever growing rift. I feel uncomfortable and unreachable by people because I feel so different and out of place. My interests vary so greatly from my other friends that I find myself in a heightened state of anxiety when I am with them and unable to really be myself. The person who wants to talk dogs. The person who wants to talk about MY dogs. Again, I know that this is all crazy. My true friends and close family would of course listen to all I have to say. I know that they do love me for who I am. But the social anxiety that I have when I feel like people are making fun of me, or not taking me seriously is enough to induce a panic attack.

I just want to be able to explain to people why I love my dogs in such a way. It's often a hard conversation to have. It is hard to articulate your points on "dog love" when you have people sneaking skeptical looks or trying to vaguely disguise smirks as you speak; or at least it's hard when you feel like that's what they're doing. (But I have already written enough on this. See "Black Sheep" post.) So I blog. I put down my thoughts and feelings on an internet page that will allow people to see them, and then let them decide if they want to keep reading them or not. Anonymity at it's finest. No rejection. No harsh words or rolled eyes. I'm finding the writing, posting, and sharing of the blog world almost as therapeutic as sharing with my girls. Almost. As soon as the computer becomes fuzzy and can curl up with me on the couch, then maybe the rewards will start coming close to those I get when I spend time with my dogs. Until then, I will continue to love my dogs, heal and keep learning life's lessons; no matter how difficult they may be. And I of course will be ever grateful to the people and dogs who continue to CHOSE to spend their time with me; of course they do not have to. But knowing that there are beings that make the decision to remain in your life and in your presence is a really powerful and awesome feeling. Love is love. Whether it be "dog love" or love from the people in your life, their love is all you need.