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Saturday, January 18, 2014

The dilemma

Dear Girls,

I have been facing a dilemma of late, an I think its time to talk about it out in the open. I havent yet brought it to my therapists attention, nor really to anyone elses, but its been weighing on my mind quite heavily; mostly due to the fact that it affects you.

You are aging. We all are. As I age, Im getting sick. There are several "band-aid" measures that the doctors can do to make my quality of life (QOL) better, but ultimately, I may be faced with the realization that I may get so sick, I will need a big fix...a third and hopefully final, open heart surgery. I am looking at a double transplant, heart and liver...and thats if they can even do it. My anatomy may not allow for that to happen, and at that point, I really will be looking at a change and down-slope of my QOL. I am scared...terrified really, of this future, but am even more worried about how it may affect you...my babies. My darlings.

I have had to face many of these fears in therapy, but they still ultimately weigh heavily on my mind, and ironically, my heart. I worry about the future...for all of us. I have my own health concerns of course, but...what about you two? Right now, I consider myself probably the luckiest person in the world. My QOL IS suffering, but nothing that I cant handle. I am lucky that this is taking place at this time in YOUR lives. Your older now; more mature. You both still have a playful nature, but you're calmer; you dont get into mischief and are up to anything that I am able to do. Go for a walk? Sure! Take a nap? OK! Snuggle in bed? ALWAYS! I appreciate it, and your patience with me...because often, in times of late, its been more napping and not walking =0( But playing in the hallway (Sheltie speedway) makes up for that...atleast I hope it does...

The other things that we have to deal with is the idea of mortality. I have a problem, a big problem, with death. I have never been able to deal with it, in a proper and healthy manner. Infact, part of my anxiety issues revolve around "anticipatory grief"...worrying about the loss of loved ones before it happens. That comes from my PTSD from work, my health, and losing my Dad. Im trying to cope with the idea that you ladies will someday have to travel to the spirit world, and will only be alive in my heart and in my memories. I try to take a lot of every day pictures, and mention you in atleast a FB post a day; but I know when the time comes, I will be devastated and there will be no source of comfort.

I have one "hope" on my side that may help me get through the tough times that lie ahead. And ironically enough, her name is Faith. Faith, as you know, is the kitty who found her way into my life by divine intervention. She has been truly a godsend, and we have a very close bond. This is becoming part of the problem. How can I have love in my heart to see you through your golden years (that may get tougher...) and build a relationship with the being that will probably help me the most when your time runs out? I worry that I will be too afraid to get another dog after you girls are gone, because I know no other dog, of any breed, could compare with how I feel about you. I worry Im not splitting and sharing my time equally. Even in the choices I make in what I read...cat or dog book?

This has been bothering me for sometime, an I will voice it at my next therapy session to get an outsiders opinion. I suspect I will need more specialized help, if one of you should leave me, but for right now, this is all Ive got. Im trying to gravitate towards people in the dog world who understand...but its been difficult.

Anyways, I want you to know that Im thinking about you, and loving you every second or every moment of every day I worry about you at night, and beg you in our "goodnights" to wake me if you need me...I'll be there. I'll be there until God separates us...which I worry about so deeply its almost petrifying; making me unable to move or even think clearly. What if I end up in the hospital when you need me most??? I pray that whatever may happen, that that scenario does not. I beg God that we can be together in our final moments; whose ever final moments they may be.

Thank you for being there, and for understanding. I hope I show you enough love every day that you will remember it and think of it when we are parted...that way, we will always live on in eachothers hearts until our souls are reunited.

I love you girls,
xoxo Mom