Birthday Surprises...

Does that title sound familiar? It might if you're a "Harry Potter" fan. It is the title of chapter 18 in "The Half-Blood Prince". If you haven't read the book, beware! Spoilers ahead! The chapter is about how Ron, Harry's best friend, gets poisoned by accident on his birthday. Thankfully, he makes it. You're probably wondering why on Earth I'm bringing this chapter up, as it sounds pretty horrifying. Don't worry, no one gets poisoned...

Yesterday was Shelby's birthday. She turned the big 0-6 yesterday! I cant believe that my "little one" is 6! It seems like she will always be "the baby" to me...

We started the day with our requisite snuggle in bed before getting up. I told her Happy Birthday over and over, but I did not sing. I did not want to hurt her ears on her special day! I usually don't make a huge deal out of the girls birthdays; I don't throw parties for them and their doggy friends (partly because they're so snobby!) and I usually don't go overboard with buying them lots of things. Now if there is something that they need (OK, let be honest...something that I want and have had my eye on for a while...) I will buy it under the guise of it being "for their Birthday". There is one tradition, however, that we honor every year for each of their birthdays: we always go to the doggie bakery for some special goodies.

You're probably shocked that I, the anal retentive Sheltie-Mom who feeds a specialized raw diet on a very strict schedule, would feed my dogs something from a doggie bakery. But come on. To quote Jell-o, "every one needs a little wiggle room". It's their birthday! They deserve something special.

For Shelby's birthday, which again was yesterday (February 27th), we go to the doggie bakery that is close to home. "The Barkery" opened up in Tewksbury (my home town) a few years ago and we've been going ever since. They make everything on premises and use only human grade ingredients. (In fact, some of their stuff is REALLY good...I only nibble on a cookie or two!) They make doggie birthday cakes and a full bakery counter with canine canoli's, baked apple pies and decorated cookies. If you'd like to check it out, here is the link: www.thebarkeryonline.com/ We ended up getting two canine cupcakes (in place of a real cake) and two "Lucky Dog" frosted shamrock cookies. Oh, and a party hat for the birthday girl. (I snuck that in when both girls were fogging up the glass while they stared fixedly at the goodies inside...) Now, I admit that my girls aren't very picky when it comes to food. They'll eat anything that stays still long enough. I always tell people that if they mashed up cardboard and made it look like their thawed-raw then my girls would eat it. But they do seem to have more enthusiasm for some things; their raw for example. But the doggie bakery tends to bring out a whole new side of them. They become wide-eyed crazed demons, with the salivatory capabilities of a Newf on a hot August day. They go nuttier than squirrel poo. I mean, I know some people who have this same reaction when they walk into human bakeries. Trust me. My mom has worked in one for over 21 years; and I was suckered into working there for a little while too. Ive seen that wild look in peoples eye when they smell the fresh hot bread or baking cookies. It's SCARY.

Anyways, for Heidi's birthday it's a little different. Well, the routine isn't different, just the location. It seems like every year for Heidi's birthday, which is July 1st, we're away camping. But we always find our way to the dog store and bakery in North Conway, "Four Your Paws Only" (www.fouryourpawsonly.com/). Now this bakery doesn't make all of their stuff on premises, but it too is all hand made with human grade ingredients. And we can get "Yoghund" frozen yogurt there, which is a little more welcome by hot Shelties in July. We usually end up leaving with both ice cream AND cookies. (And then we go across the street to the 5 and Dime store to get me some fudge!)

So even though we don't usually hold a party, their birthdays are still pretty special. Their bellies feel pretty special anyways! And that brings me to the title of the blog, and it's relation to Chapter 18. I got Shelby ready to celebrate her big day: I put on her very special "It's my paw-ty Birthday Hat! Needless to say, she wasn't happy. In fact, she was pretty miserable. And of course it was made worse by her evil mother taking pictures of her to put here:

Once the "OHMYGODIAMSOPATHETICLOOKING" faces were over (I TOLD you she was a master at looking pitiful...) she decided that she would turn to her sister for help. Maybe Heidi would assist in ridding her of this feather trimmed cardboard piece of shame. But no such luck. However, with the promise of birthday cupcakes, her mood lifted significantly. No surprises there. So I had them sit while I carefully

(and tantalizingly) placed each of their frosted treats in front of them. I had enough time to snap this picture before I released them; I was erring on the side of caution: both dogs were vibrating with hungry excitement, and I wanted to make sure that they didn't explode!

However things started to go wrong when I said "OK" which told them that it was time to eat. Shelby, no doubt using her "Its MY birthday and I can have what ever I want!" card, proceeded to CUT ACROSS her sister (very rudely, might I add...) and STEAL HER CUPCAKE! I had to quickly intervene to make sure that Shelby (being the speed-eater that she is) didn't wolf down her (previously Heidi's) cupcake and go back in for the other one! I snatched that cupcake up and gave it to Heidi. Shelby in the mean time had peeled off her frosting and was chewing the dense little cake so furiously that tiny bits rained on the floor. I checked back with Heidi. Heidi's always had problems eating. She seems to be laboring under the delusion that she has no teeth. She LICKS everything. It's a good thing their raw food is very soft after its thawed; she licks every bit of it. When I give them raw bones, it takes her HOURS to eat them because she tries licking the meat from the bone. (Which, for obvious reasons isn't that successful.) The only things that she does seem to chew are bully-springs and MY CLOTHES. I have had many socks perforated by her "non-existent" teeth. So I watched her pretty close to make sure that she was in fact trying to eat it, and not just lick it to death.

She was, in fact, trying to figure out how the heck to eat this thing. Finally, after many minutes of softening it up with Heidi spit, she was able to eat it. This is when the second bout of trouble started. She kept breaking off little pieces, swallow them, and would then stop eating. I couldn't figure out what was going on; why would she stop eating this seemingly delicious snack half way through? I kept picking up the pieces and offering them to her, to encourage her to finish eating them. I told her that if she didn't finish them, then Shelby would. She ate a few more, and then could be persuaded no more. I decided to let Shelby have the rest. I got a few pictures of Shelby snatching up the crummies off the flood before I rechecked on Heidi. That's when I noticed something was wrong. She was standing stiff and still, but seemed both hunched and diminished at the same time. She was kind of gagging; not coughing or sputtering, but clearly trying to unstick something. I made sure she was breathing and then thumped her hard on the back. I thumped and thumped, and then tried the doggie Heimlich. That's when she started retching. Suddenly a thick, white foam started bubbling in her mouth. She spit some of it out onto the floor and I could see a hunk of cupcake in it. But she was still not right. Her eyes were liquidy and seemed to be sparkling with tears. I thumped harder and heaved her stomach again. More and more frothy white foam laced with cupcake. Finally after the third batch was hurled up, she started to look and act better. She was able to move and walk around.

I stopped panicking and calmed down; I was not going to have to rush her to work (the veterinarian) to get her checked. She was improving. I offered her some water and she turned away from it. I begged her to take a drink; "do it for mummy" I pleaded...and she took a few laps. She stopped again, and I knew that she still wasn't 100% Suddenly Shelby's attack dog instincts kicked in when she heard someone on our street. She started barking in her her big-dog scary voice, and ran to the window. That's when Heidi joined in: jumping and barking right alongside her sister. I knew she would be fine.

She took a few more sips of water, and let out a VERY un-ladylike belch, and has been OK ever since. It was a scary moment there, for a minute. What started out as happy birthday celebrations quickly turned into a tense, white knuckle situation. Luckily, just like with Ron, everything turned out OK. Shelby was even able to finish looking for crummies:

Just as an afterthought, (in case anyone is wondering) things with me have been pretty quiet. I was able to see some friends this week, thanks to their willingness to share their free time to hang out with me. It was nice to talk about other things and hear what was going on in other peoples lives, rather than sitting and always thinking about my own circumstance.

I've also spent quite a bit of time planning for a trip that I'm planning to take in October. My best friend since the age of four is getting married in Miami (on a cruise ship!) this year. I took two weeks off of work to drive down there with the girls. Its been fun finding neat things to do both down and back along the east coast during that time; I'm really looking forward to seeing so many great things with my kids. More on the trip to come!!

Well, that's it for now. I've got to go and check on the Shelties. I've got to make sure that they're still not high on birthday cupcake. You know what they say about too much of a good thing...

Who needs whom?

So today was the day. They day to see the doctor, and to get a progress report. I was nervous because although I fell better, I certainly do not yet feel 100%. But I definitely feel well enough to go back to work. I wanted to make sure that I got that particular point across. (I sure am sick of sitting at home...but of course it has been made easier by the unwavering companionship of my girls.) We waited for a little while for my name to be called, and after what seemed like forever, we finally were ushered in. In general, the appointment started off pretty good. I explained that I was doing better with my breathing, and had started walking. He then asked me all of the routine things: meds, anything else going on, etc. This is where we hit the snag. I explained that my palpitations were getting worse. I had complained about them during our previous visits, and during the time that I spent in the hospital. They showed up every time on the monitor as PVC's (premature ventricular contractions). No one seemed to be worried at that point. But at mentioning them this time, he became fairly concerned. He asked me to describe them. I told him that it felt like my heart was pounding; not in a fast, racy way, but in a smacking-against-my-sternum kind of way. I told him that they were AWFUL. Yes, they were enough to effect my life. If I was doing something and they started, then I would definitely focus on them and less on the task at hand. They were bothering me so much the other night that I took my meds early because they were POUNDING so hard. And it doesn't matter what I'm doing. They occur at rest, and both during and after activity. They occur when it is 9:00 in the morning, 12:30 in the afternoon or at 7:45 at night. They're definitely feeling stronger and occurring a lot more often.

As he was doing his exam, he said that I had described them perfectly. He said that what I was feeling was essentially what was happening. OK, good. I'm glad that he knows what they are. Or does he? He is the type of doctor who likes to have EVERY base covered. (Which is why he ordered an echo before my 2nd cath to rule out a possible clot. After the echo that pretty much cleared that problem, he still went in through my neck to make absolutely sure that there really truly was nothing there. Yeah, he is nothing if not thorough.) So he decided he would attach a Holter-Montitor for 24 hours (which I'm wearing right now.) I have to write in a journal when I eat, sleep, feel anything and do any type of activity. I then have to turn it in as soon as I can. This last part is pretty important, because at the end of the visit when I was checking out and making my plans for the next follow up appt (8 weeks from now) I was told that no, I CANNOT go back to work until we figure out what this arrhythmia is. He was also really adamant about me still not driving. He wants to make sure that I do not suffer some sort of episode and pass out. Yeah. That thought was comforting. But at least we're going to get to the bottom of it. For me, these palpitations have been tougher to deal with, and a bit scarier than even the shortness of breath. I FEEL these in a very strong, and annoyingly painful way. And they worry me because these are coming directly from THE HEART. They're not some blood clot in my leg that MIGHT later be dangerous; not extra vessels branching from a vein on its WAY to my heart. This IS my heart. And to have it feel like it is pounding so much and working so hard is scary. As I type this right now, the palpitations are RAGING. Good for the monitor, I guess...

So, after I got the not so good news of being out even LONGER, I went to work to let them know. They were, once again, very understanding. They told me to make sure that I was continuing to heal, and to come back when I was healthy and ready. I am really thankful and lucky to be able to work for a really understanding company, and with such kind people. With their understanding and help, I have really been able to worry less about the goings on at work and how I was "screwing" everyone over, and more on getting better so that I could come back well. AND they not only check in on me, but on everyone in our family; they always ask about how my mom and girls are. It's really sweet, and it is really appreciated.

But on that note, I've realized lately how lonely I am. I mean, I know that I have amazing friends and family, but no one is living in a disease with you. Of course what ever illness your trying to get through effects everyone around you; my mom, extended family, friends and job are all examples of that. But to actually be dealing with your bodies shortcomings and breakdowns day in and day out is really taxing on your mind and spirit. I generally am able to keep both positive and upbeat but on some days (days like today, for example) I just find myself feeling pretty alone and a little down. Especially when I need to walk away from my friends at work, or watch my mom walk out the door without me.

I'm sure that lots of people feel this way. And that's because you cannot possibly tell the people in your life everything. Although they would never admit it, if you were to tell them every emotion that you felt, or shared with them every thought or opinion that sprung to mind, they would quickly grow weary of your company. Your relationships would be worn so thin that they would eventually snap. And it is certainly not anyones fault. Everyone is just trying to get through the things tossed into the path of their own lives. Everyone is just trying to make the most of the time that we are given. So, when the people who love you most in life are busy with their own things, between your emergencies and when you really need them, what do you do with all of these feelings? You can either bottle them up, tell your therapist who is trained (and paid!) to make sense of it all, or you confide in your pets.

As I've said before, this particular time dealing with sickness has taught me a lot. It has really opened my eyes and my heart to things that I had been previously been missing out on. And my girls have definitely helped me in this area most of all. You see, dogs don't have their own lives to be getting back to when yours has been "stabilized". YOU are their whole lives. They not only depend on you for everything that keeps them alive, but they also want to be with you more than they want anything else in the world. And that bond is not only because you are the one holding the dish of food. It is because they are love. Pure love. If you lost everything and found yourself living in a cardboard box and suddenly there was no filled food bowls to be found, your dog would still stick by your side. Because they are all love. All the time. They give you the whole of their beings. All of their hearts. All of their souls. And they ask for very little in return. As fickle, unpredictable and temporary as people are, pets are always honest, constant, and permanent. They are a true gift. And for me, a reason to keep going.

But I wonder if I am putting too much of my problems and stress on my dogs. I wonder if I am burdening them emotionally; I know that I am leaning on them more heavily now than ever. My relationships with them have become more intense; which is both therapeutic and terrifying. On one hand, they are the perfect therapists: they will never take what you told them in strict confidence, and throw it back in your face during a fight; they will never think your crazy; and they will never share your secrets with another living soul. But although they are helping me emotionally and spiritually, there are just some things that they cannot, and will not ever be able to do. This is when the fear sets in. Although our relationships with dogs are as intimate (or maybe more intimate) than our relationships with the closest people in our lives, our dogs dependence comes back to haunt us. Not only will they not be able to drive you to a hospital, sit with you while you lay sick in your bed, or offer you encouragement before a major procedure, but they will sometimes make the already difficult situation a little more complex. Some one will need to take on the duty of caring for them while you are unable to. You are now depending on people: friends, family and strangers (doctors and nurses) for support both in the hospital and out. It is a tough pill to swallow. The beings that fill in the "love void" when all of those people are busy leading their own lives (and rightly so) in between the crises that arise, are suddenly banned from your side. Even if you are in a small local hospital that allows the patients pets to visit, there will still be limitations. Your dogs cannot drive; they will need a ride to and from their visit. They also will not be able to stay all day; even if the hospital were to permit it, you may be to weak or unstable to be taking care of their potty needs.

So what are we, myself and the people in similar positions, to do? On one hand, we find ourselves drawing more closely and becoming more dependant on our pets, but on the other we are unable to truly have them close by when we truly need them. It seems to be a delicate balance; a balance that I am really struggling to find. I have never been able to be really close to people. Even friends that I have had for years I have drifted from. It seems that once the physical distance grows, the emotional distance does too. And I know that I alone am to blame for this ever growing rift. I feel uncomfortable and unreachable by people because I feel so different and out of place. My interests vary so greatly from my other friends that I find myself in a heightened state of anxiety when I am with them and unable to really be myself. The person who wants to talk dogs. The person who wants to talk about MY dogs. Again, I know that this is all crazy. My true friends and close family would of course listen to all I have to say. I know that they do love me for who I am. But the social anxiety that I have when I feel like people are making fun of me, or not taking me seriously is enough to induce a panic attack.

I just want to be able to explain to people why I love my dogs in such a way. It's often a hard conversation to have. It is hard to articulate your points on "dog love" when you have people sneaking skeptical looks or trying to vaguely disguise smirks as you speak; or at least it's hard when you feel like that's what they're doing. (But I have already written enough on this. See "Black Sheep" post.) So I blog. I put down my thoughts and feelings on an internet page that will allow people to see them, and then let them decide if they want to keep reading them or not. Anonymity at it's finest. No rejection. No harsh words or rolled eyes. I'm finding the writing, posting, and sharing of the blog world almost as therapeutic as sharing with my girls. Almost. As soon as the computer becomes fuzzy and can curl up with me on the couch, then maybe the rewards will start coming close to those I get when I spend time with my dogs. Until then, I will continue to love my dogs, heal and keep learning life's lessons; no matter how difficult they may be. And I of course will be ever grateful to the people and dogs who continue to CHOSE to spend their time with me; of course they do not have to. But knowing that there are beings that make the decision to remain in your life and in your presence is a really powerful and awesome feeling. Love is love. Whether it be "dog love" or love from the people in your life, their love is all you need.

Cardiac Rehab: Walking my dogs

So, here I sit. Once again on the couch, typing on the computer, with the T.V. on in the background. Everything that has been realatively familiar to me for the past five weeks. I say realatively familiar, because where I spent so much time in the hospital, I have to be honest and admit that being there is pretty familar too. When I got home from my first, quite lengthy stay, I felt like I had some twisted version of Stockholm-Syndrome. It felt as if I had forgotten how to function in my own home. I missed the people who were my captors (very kind doctors and nurses). Instead of being monitored by both machines and caring people 24 hours a day, I was now alone. Instead of having meal choices offered on a menu, I had to decide what to eat. And then I had to make it. No more deliveries of food between 8 and 9, noon and 1, and 5 and 6. It was an odd feeling; not remembering my life before being hospitalized. But one thing brought me back to the reality of being home. Well, two things I should say. My two dogs. I had to snap out of it pretty quick in order to take care of these two beings who depended on me so. I had to remember that they also needed to be fed. I had to get up and prepare their food too and then make sure that I fed it to them in a timely manner. (I probably would have fed them breakfast at noon time if I wasn't forcing myself to pay better attention.) And they also had to go outside. Now, they had been forced to hold it for quite a while while I was in the hospital. My mom was trying to get a little bit of work in, and because I was having so many prceedures and meeting with so many different doctors, she was spending most of her remaining time with me down in Boston. She wanted to make sure that she didn't miss anything. Although I ALWAYS kept my girls needs in mind ("mom, you fed them at 7 am, they probably need to go out soon", or "it's really late and the'yre probably really hungry for dinner"), no matter what was going on with me. My mom was worried about her child in the hospital, but I was worried about MY children at home. But there were still a few days that their needs were put on hold perhaps longer than they should have been. On days when I was in surgery, my mom needed to be with me before, during and after the procedure, in case something went wrong. But no matter how long they were left alone, they never had an accident. Never got into anything inappropriate, or chewed anything out of boredom. They were perfect angels; as was my mom who went home every day and not only took care of their basic needs (letting them outside and feeding them) but she also played games with them too.
So because they were really reliable and good, when I got home I had to remember that just because they COULD hold it for a longer time than some, didn't mean that I should let them do it. I had to make sure that I was taking care of them, because they had immediately started taking such good care of me. And they still are. Right now, as I type this, I have both snuggling with me on the couch. Now, Heidi isn't much of a snuggler. She's usually much more comfortable on the floor, in her crate, or on her memory foam bed. But when she does come up and sit on the couch with me and Shelby, she pushes her body right along mine, lies down so that I can feel the warmth and pressure of her body right through the thickest blanket I may have on, and sighs deeply. Im not sure if she knows just how comforting that this is for me. I think she does, which is why she still does it. I pet her, and tell her how she's such a precious angel, and how pretty she is. And when she isn't up on the couch snuggling, Shelby can usually always be counted on. For a very special hour yesterday, She curled up in a "Shelby ball" on the other side of the couch, and I had my arm draped across the cushion so that I could pet her while I read. She shifted her position just so that my arm was the curled into the ball as well: she had placed her paw and leg over my arm, and rested her head and neck on it too. Again, just the loving warmth that I felt her giving me was glorious. I immediately felt relaxed, and made sure that I wasnt moving too much, as to not disturb her.

So here I have sat, day after day, with both dogs keeping me sane and upbeat. But tomorrow this all may change. I am hopeful that it will, but at the same time fearful of how much "adjusting time" I'll need to get back to reality again. Tomorrow is the day that I see my cardiologist, and I have every expectation that he is going to let me go back to work next week. Now, I'm sure that I will go back either part time or with some restrictions, but just the ability to go back is a little overwhelming. I'll be leaving the comfort and familiarity of my home and my girls, and going back out into the real world. A world that will suddenly become completely open to me once more. Driving. Work. Walks. The thought is both incredably uplifting and terrifying at the same time. Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous about how tomorrow will go.

But, as money makes the world go round, as much as I fear it, I do need to go back to work. The medical bills have started coming in, but not the money to pay them. Luckily I have good insurance, and have had some money saved to keep me afloat while I've been out. And of course, because of my mother (I told you she was a Saint!) has helped out quite a bit: driving me back and forth from doctors offices and hospitals and fronting the money for gas and the parking fees. And I can't forget keeping food in the house! Now it is time for me to retake my responsibility and start earning my keep. My mom will need to be repayed, bills will need to be taken care of, and my girls will need to eat. (Luckily I bought their frozen food about a week before this all started, so the freezer has been well stocked while my mom was taking care of them. (No need for her to blend tripe!) So as nerve wracking as going back to work will be, I might as well start preparing myself for the return, right? I'll need to start figuring out what I can do so that I can tell the doctor in what capacity I can return.

Now, what better way to get up and moving than walking my dogs? I wanted to start by doing the river-walk a few towns over from us. The walk is a nicely level, paved path with the Merrimack river flowing on one side, and a stretch of grass dotted with trees on the other. It is well lit at night, when we would probably be going, with old fashioned iron post lamps. It's a nice walk; easy. A good place to start. Unfortunately when I had this brilliant idea, it was the night that I decided to make the inconvenient trip to the ER for uncontrolled bleeding. And then the next night, it was way to cold and windy for us to take that stroll for the first time. I still wanted to walk somewhere though. I spent a while trying to think of somewhere we could walk that was indoors; somewhere large enough for me to really get moving, and somewhere that would allow dogs. The mall was out. But what about the big-box pet stores? Those are pretty big and of course allowed dogs. My mom thought it was a good idea, and took us that night to PetSmart. I like petSmart. It just seems less like a warehouse than Petco. The first lap we made around the store was for shopping purposes. I went there not only for exercise, but with a purpose of buying a specific toy for Heidi. Our Blogger friend "Cosi" at "Shelties 4Us" said that this was his favorite toy because it was a ball that he could tug. So, I decided maybe Heidi would like it too. Shelby plays with toys too, but it is at her discretion. Where Heidi will pick up ANYTHING that she can play with, Shelby really has to be in the mood to play. Granted when she IS in the mood, she usually has a blast and ends up just as exhausted as Heidi.

So, we found our "Holey Ball" and continued to walk. About half way through our time there, we ran into another pair of Shelties. A blue merle and another Sable. Both were super sweet and close to Heidi and Shelby's ages. After a good round of "Sheltie sniff-butt", we went out seperate ways. (After I got in some additional Sheltie pats and snuggles, of course.) We continued walking, and I didnt have that bad of a time. I was tired after, but what can you expect from your first baby-steps, right? I certainly wasn't having as difficult of a time breathing as I thought I would. So, it was good! We got out; we walked. And I was eager to try again.

So the next night, we finally were able to take our river-walk. It was still a bit cold and windy, so I decided to go well prepared. I wanted to make sure that I would be able to go as long as I could, as far as I could, without having the cold stopping me before my body did. I also wanted to make sure that the girls were comfortable too. I put on their "Mutt-Luk" booties (I don't know what they use to sand and salt that path, so I wanted to be careful) and put on their fleece coats too. I wanted to make sure that the wind that was still a little biting didn't get through their double Sheltie coats. I know, I know. A little excessive? Maybe. But it made me feel better about bringing them with my for my 2nd round of cardiac rehab walking. So we got there, all bundled up, and we walked. The walk away from the car was beautiful; we were walking into the last light of the setting sun. Those vibrant oranges, reds and pinks were blending beautifully with the deep star strewn blue that was rapidly taking over. My "new" eyes brought me these pictures that before I might not have fully appreciated. And then my other senses sprung awake too. I could hear the soft padding of my girls bootie covered feet on the path, and I felt the cool breeze play lightly across the little bit of skin still exposed on my face. Everything felt great. And sharing it with my girls was wonderful.

Now this walk wasn't just about my recovery. I was also worried about how the girls would do because it was their first real exercise in a while too. I was especially concerned about Heidi. She had some type of shoulder injury that has since caused many of the joints in that leg to become arthritic. This is what stopped her from jumping: ending her agility career, and preventing her from reaching the upper levels of Obedience. (See "NADAC: the career saver" post.) So I was trying to keep my eye on her too. Make sure that she didn't become too fatigued or painful in that leg; usually noticable because she starts pacing instead of maintaining a normal gait.
But I was surprised to see how far we could make it. I did have to stop twice to take breaks on the benches that were strewn along the path, but I made it quite a long way. And although my breathing wasn't exaclty as easy as it should be, and in no way was it back to normal, I really did feel pretty good. The girls were WONDERFUL. They kept a pretty brisk pace, and checked back frequently to urge me along. I had them hooked up to flexi leads, (which I normally hate and only recommend for certain situations: situations where there are no other dogs or people around who can become tangled in the dangerously thin cord) which allowed them to be ahead of me with the freedom to keep driving forward, and the safety of still being on leash. (There is a busy, 4 lane road after the grassy knoll on the non-river side of the path.) I also wanted to make sure they didnt hit any joggers up for snacks, although the path that night was pretty deserted.

There is a boat house almost all the way at the end of the path where the regatta boats are kept. We almost made it there, but I figured that I still had to walk back, so I shouldn't push us too hard. We took that second break and walked back. After the turn back is when I started to feel fatigued. My legs were tired and felt as if I had just hit the stair-master for an hour. But the girls were great. They just turned right around, and drove me all the way back. Heidi slowed up her pace a little at first, as she tends to shut down on our walk back if I cue her that we're going back to the car. But I didn't cue her at all this time, and my ears were once again filled with that "tap tap tap tap" of their boots on the pavement. All the while she kept up the same brisk, driving speed and never paced at all.

Even though we were all pretty exhasuted after the walk, we all also felt really good. The girls slept on the drive home and I slept pretty good that night. Both my body and mind were at ease not only because of the walk, but because I know I have two furry angels by my side. I know that this is just the beginning, but I also know that my girls will be with me every baby-step of the way.

A new day

I started this blog with the intention of filling it with posts and stories of living with and learning from my two very special dogs, Heidi and Shelby. I named the blog "Heart-Dogs Heal", because that's what my two canine companions are, and what that is what they do. People in the dog world will tell you that a "heart dog" is that once in a life time dog; a dog that all others will be compared to. A dog who knows what you are thinking, what you are asking of them (even if they have not yet been trained to perform that specific task), and a dog who is your constant companion. Ask a dog person about their heart dog and you will usually see their eyes go misty and hear their voice constrict. They will usually tell you amazing stories of how this dog changed their lives; and how they are a different person because of that dogs love. The bond that we have with any dog that we share our lives with is amazing, but the connection between a person and their "heart dog" is something truly magical. It is something that often cannot be expressed in words, but can only be felt in pure, raw emotion. But often times we true dog people don't need those words to explain. Because we know what the connection is like. We understand because we have felt it ourselves.

Every ones experience with their heart-dog is different, although those raw feelings and emotions all tend to be the same. I know that every ones beliefs are different too. Some people, for example, think that we only get one chance with a soul mate. Once we find that person, or dog, we only get that one experience with them. Although their spirit always stays with us, we only get that one brief breath of time with them here on Earth. I know that some people think the opposite; once our soul-mate leaves, they can choose if they want to return to us. We can call them back, but ultimately, they have the final say. This thought can be overwhelming; daunting. What happens if we call them back and they decide the time is right? How can we be sure that when we go and look at a litter of puppies, we chose the right one? And that's if we even find the right breeder with the right litter! Its a challenge that seems insurmountable. But if you believe in the theory itself, then you also believe that there is a way.

For me, my belief right now, is that my heart-dog is actually two dogs. I truly believe that a very special, heart-dog soul has been split, and now resides in two bodies. I know that people out there may be thinking I'm crazy. There may also be some who think that this is an indecent thought. A soul is not meant to be split; it is not meant to be torn in two. A soul is meant to stay whole and unchanged. And it is meant to reside in only one body. But if you lived with my two girls, you would understand where my belief comes from. There are just too many coincidences to have this not be true. They just compliment each other in so many ways; both in their individual personalities and the relationships that they have both with me and with each other. I hope that in future posts I'll be able to show everyone why I believe what I do. I hope that everyone can see how they really are two halves to one whole. And my life is made fuller and more complete because I am lucky enough to have the pair of them.

On that note, I realized that I had gotten away from the true intention of this blog. I was using it as a posting site for all of the general, mushy posts that I had done through another blogging forum. I haven't posted anything here in weeks. I have been using our other blog, "Sheltie Musings", to publish all of the recent things I have written. Which is fine because those stories tend to be sillier, and more humorous, and we've made quite a few friends there! But I want to get back to this blog; back to posting what it is really like to be living with my heart-dogs. And how it feels to be able to have them use their healing powers to help me through whats been a very difficult and trying time.

I was born with a serious congenital heart condition, and therefore have been living with it and the various problems associated with it for my whole 25 years. I've gone through the trauma of two open heart surgeries, being diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia (which is dangerous enough, but having only one ventricle makes it a bit scarier for me...), having a blood clot in my leg and being placed on coumadin because of it, almost bleeding to death because of the coumadin, and these recent episodes of "fluid overload" (aka, congestive heart failure) and being diagnosed with collateral vessels which are causing blood to bypass my lungs and renter my body unoxygenated. This last issue has caused extreme shortness of breath and low oxygen levels. And for those reasons, Ive been out of work and unable to drive for a month and a week. Its been an extremely lonely and trying time. I've had three additional cardiac catheters (one of which resulted in a stent being placed to try and "block off" the collateral vessels), 2 wisdom teeth pulled (without sedation), and have been placed back on coumadin. I wasn't worried about it too much (except for the frequent blood draws...I'm a big needle baby!) but just the other day I started bleeding, and it quickly got out of control. I once again ended up on the ER, and then stayed the night for observation.

I mention all of this not because I'm looking for any kind of sympathy, but to illustrate how important my dogs have become to me. This situation has been difficult because I have been unable to really do even the simplest of tasks. I now know how my Grandfather feels when he becomes depressed and agitated because he is slowly losing his Independence. I can't drive any where by myself and have to now rely on rides. I cannot go to work, which is a huge blow in itself, but the anxiety of having the bills (but no money to pay them) coming in the mail every day has robbed me of quite a bit of sleep. I find myself sitting day in and day out here, on the couch, on the computer, reading or watching t.v. I could have very easily went into a dark place; found myself in a deep depression. But I have two furry therapists that have kept me from getting there. Two Sheltie-shaped life preservers that have prevented me from drowning in a sea of self sorrow. Although I have had dogs (even these very two dogs) with me during the other difficult times of illness, this is the first time where I am fully aware and appreciative of their healing powers. Before they were just my dogs. Sure, they obviously helped me in many of the same ways that they are helping me now, but now I am only now fully conscious of their abilities and attempts to get me back on track. What before was an unhelpful behavior that bothered me, is now something that I recognize as an act of mercy; it's their own way of bringing me back to the present, and keeping me focused on a positive outcome and future. They're trying to break up the monotony of the day by engaging in play. They're pawing and whining at me to break the trance I sometimes find myself in: sitting for hours in the soft glow of the computer monitor. Yes, they are trying to interrupt me. Only now I see their interruptions as loving interventions, where before they were annoying and time consuming.

What brought around the epiphany? Several things, I think. My maturity and the intense love for my dogs that has grown over the years has played a big part. But the other thing has been the amount of reading I have done. I obviously have had a lot of time to catch up on some good books. And my extremely generous friends from work have given me gift cards to allow me to vastly expand my library! I've chosen books specifically written on the human-animal bond. A few books were researched and written by well known authors, and a few books were written by people like you and me about their special heart-dogs, and how their lives were changed and bettered by them. One of the books that really contributed to my change of thought (and change of heart!) has been "The Healing Power of Pets" by Dr. Mart Becker. In it, he tells how pets help their people through some truly difficult and life altering illnesses: cancer, heart disease, disability (physical and mental) and the aging process. The chapters speak to the illnesses, and are filled with well researched facts and people's personal stories. The book is really well written and easy to read. For me it has been totally enlightening. Towards the end of the book, Dr. Becker brings up a very good point. If animals are such good medicine and are so effective at healing their people, why are so many people with pets still suffering from illnesses? Especially those that are self inflicted, like obesity? It's because, to paraphrase what he says, that just like any medicine, pets need to be used effectively. People need to be open and aware of the help that their pets are offering them. They must be willing to listen to their pets when they try to offer them help: when they try stirring them into activity, and when they signal that something is wrong.

This is how I am now going to live my life. I was, before, just a dog parent. A dog parent who loved my dogs as if they were my own children. But like so many parents, of both human and canine children, I wasn't really listening to them. We were coexisting. I did not have my eyes, ears or heart open to what they were offering me; the ability to have a better life. But I am listening now. I have started to really enjoy the little things that I am able to do with them. Before I looked at bath/grooming time as if it were a chore. A necessary one, but still a chore. This time I enjoyed the entire process. I enjoyed it as the social bonding time that it is really meant to be. I enjoyed being able to do something physical; to use the muscles that have been resting for over a month. I liked feeling tired after the job was done. I revelled in the feel of their hair: dry, dirty, wet, lathered, conditioned, cleaned and dry again. Every stage was a wonderful tactile experience. And my spirits were lifted to new heights when I was able to laugh during the process. Laughing and smiling is not something that you can help when you see your previously furry, fluffy dogs turn into skinny, naked ones. And when you see some of the looks that they give, or the expressions on their faces you really can't help but chuckle. All in all, the whole experience was great. The girls and I felt better after all was said and done. And it has since affected me too. Because my mom brought the grooming stuff (table, bag of supplies etc.) from the garage to the house, I have been using it every day. We do our daily "who's so pretty!?!?" routine before we play Sheltie-Speedway. It continues to be a really nice bonding time for us all, and I know that they will continue to feel nice and clean long after that last bath. I I really enjoy seeing them clean too. It really makes me smile when I see them outside, the wind playing with their silky hair, and their highlights sparkling in the sunlight that, like me, is growing ever stronger.

I feel like it is a new day; like I have been reborn with all of my senses fully awake. There are so many possibilities life still has to offer both me and my girls. There is kayaking and hiking this spring, summer and fall. There is getting back into obedience, rally and agility training. And maybe even competition. And there is a new business idea that's slowly taking root and growing in my mind. All made possible by the love and healing that my heart-dogs have given, and are continuing to giving me. I am so thankful, and so blessed.

I hope to be updating this blog more frequently, if not daily. I really hope to start using it for the original reason that it was created: to bring stories and updates to our friends, and to share the stories about my heart-dogs, who continue to inspire me every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*I also wanted to mention the huge amount of support that I have received from ALL of my family and friends. Although this is a blog about my dogs, I do want to make sure that I mention all of the overwhelming support and love from all of the humans around me too. I truly appreciate every well wish and warm thought! I wouldn't be here if it weren't for both the dogs, AND the people!!

Dog Love

Must Love Dogs part 2: Dog Love

Dog Love is one of the purest loves that we are lucky enough to be able to experience in life.It springs from the intricate bond and special relationship’s that we share with our canine companions.Dog love is like a unique brand of magic; like all love, it is hard to describe with mere words, but can only be expressed through strong feelings of passion and devotion. Feelings that can only be shared by beings who have a deep, intimate relationship with one another. And the relationships that people have with their pets are usually more intimate than any relationship that they have with other humans. There is just so much more freedom and trust in a relationship with an animal; people have often expressed how much freer they are to be themselves, without the fear of being judged when they are alone with their pets. There are no pressures there, or contingencies on that love. Their pets are there for their people through thick and thin, through sickness and health, and for richer or poorer. Because of this “unconditional love”, people feel that it is a more guaranteed love, a safer love; especially in a country with a divorce rate of about 50%. Unlike people, dogs will not cheat on you, feel differently about you because your weight or looks have changed, or leave you because your status or income has lowered. Dogs would stay with you no matter what. They would live under the bridge with you, in a card-board box, eating out of trash cans if we asked them to; and they would never utter a single complaint about having to be asked to do so. Sure, just like our relationships with people, our relationships with our dogs can be complex, dramatic, and emotionally straining at times, but it is never because they want to cause you pain. They do not wake up in the morning with a plan on how to get back at you for a previous grievance. They do not smile at you while you feed them breakfast, masking thoughts of manipulation breeding in their furry heads. They are completely honest beings, and if there is something going on that is straining your relationship, it is usually due to a breakdown in communication some where. It is not because they are trying to spite you, or ruin your day. They have no ulterior motives. They are who they are, and this is the main reason why their love is so special. Because people can be sure that the love is true, that it is genuine. You can be sure that your dog is not just trying to get your money, or get into your pants.
I do not want to spend this whole entry outlining every single thing that makes Dog Love so special and unique. If you’d like to read one of the best pieces out there bringing all of the reasons we love dogs to light in a really inspiring way, I urge you to check out “Pack of Two” by Carolyn Knapp. As I said in Part 1, this is probably my favorite book of all time. It is such a nice, and easy read; it doesn’t get dry or technical. It has a perfect balance between information and personal tales, woven together in such a way that it makes the reader not want to put the book down. But, I think that there are a few reasons that can always be brought up in this discussion, and a few more reasons why Dog Love is so great that were not mentioned in the book.
The first reason, is of course the one already mentioned: “Unconditional Love”. Now, I both agree, and disagree with this theory. I think that the unconditional part of Dog Love has to be earned. Dogs aren’t just BORN with the idea that they have to live to serve humans, or to grovel unnecessarily at our feet. Dogs are perfectly capable of surviving on their own, without the assistance of people. (Just look at all of the strays in this country, or all over the world for that matter.) I mean, sure, when dogs are being selectively bred by people, and there are generations upon generations of tame and domestic dogs going to new homes every day, of course they are going to be OK with people. But there it is. Just because they are going to be tolerant of people, doesn’t mean that they are going to LOVE them. The love comes when those new dog owners take the time to get to know, train, socialize and care for that new dog. It’s when that magic bond forms that we get the Love. And other people will start to take notice of that special relationship that connects these two beings of different species too. And the building of this loving bond brings me to the next point of the Dog Love story:The intimate bond. As I mentioned in the beginning of this piece, most people have a more intimate bond with their pets (namely dogs) than they do with any other human that they have in their life. And I say mostly dogs, because cats usually don’t care enough to follow us from room to room as we go about our daily business, and animals like horses obviously aren’t in close enough quarters with us to get the chance to. (I don’t know anyone who allows their horse in their home, or lives out in their barn with their horse!) But dogs…our dogs tend to be with us EVERYWHERE. I can really only speak for myself (although I know many dog owners who are in the same boat) when I say that my dogs share my bed. They also insist on following me everywhere, including into the bathroom, when they are able. (Not out of separation anxiety, but just as a need to be close; they are herding dogs after all!) Some people wont be that open even with their spouses. I’ve heard of people who wont let their significant others ever even see them without makeup, but they’ll allow their dog to. I know I wouldn’t DARE to sing in front of any human being but I will sing at the top of my lungs when its just me and my girls. There is just such a sense of comfort being with your dogs; knowing that you can act like a raving lunatic who’s free from the institution on a day-pass, and they will never tell. They wont get on the family hot-line and blab about how awful you sing, and wont tell the neighbors on the other side of the fence what you look like naked. Sure, we will never be able to tell what they’re REALLY thinking when we do all of the odd stuff that we humans do, but we can be sure that their lips are sealed. And sometimes its just really nice to have a friend who keeps secrets so well. This also, brings me to my next point:Dogs are the BEST listeners. It’s true, they are. They will not only keep the things you say completely confidential (which, lets face it, we cant always be sure that our human friends are doing…) but they will also never judge what you say, or the feelings that you are expressing. On the contrary, as they will always be silent listeners, they really allow you to think and analyze what it is that you are discussing with them. They allow for a great deal of introspection, and really let you think hard about the task or issue at hand, without being critical of your solution. One of my favorite quotes comes from one of my favorite shows. In the episode, the main character is trying to figure out what to do about a particularly difficult problem; one that is causing him terrible moral anguish. The characters pet comes to his human friend, puts his paws up on the sitting persons knee, and makes indistinguishable chirruping noises. The main character suddenly comes up with a solution and says to his companion: “I know you can’t talk. Pretending you can just helps me think.” His pet makes more chirruping noises. The main character replies “I’m going to pretend that I didn’t pretend to hear that.” I love this quote because it highlights why our animals can be such great therapists. They just sit, and “listen”. Even though our species language barrier filters out most of what we are saying to them, the fact is that they always LOOK like what we are saying is more important than anything else going on in the world. They just look at you with those big eyes, cock their heads, swivel their ears, and give you their undivided attention. Sure, they’re probably just waiting for key phrases that actually mean something to them (for my girls its “food”, “hungry”, “toy”, “ride” and “doggy store”) but seeing how attentive they are, when so many of our human counterparts just tune us out, is a huge confidence and morale boost. Someone cares enough to listen. And when we come up with a solution, or resolution, they are totally on board. No questions asked.
So, I think those are some of the main reasons why pets (and again, dogs in particular) are such loving companions. Especially in today’s world where the human race is becoming more and more reliant on technology, and therefore becoming more and more distant and separated. And of course, there are so many other benefits as well: dogs allow us to keep active, and therefore healthy; they introduce us to things that we may not have done before, and therefore they bring new people into our lives; and they give us something to always take care of. Even when parents leave us to live our own lives, and children grow up and move away. They are of course, an enormous responsibility, and just like with any brand of love, Dog Love does require time and effort; blood, sweat and tears. But nurtured and encouraged, the benefits are worth it.
I want to end this discussion of Dog Love with, I think, the most important point of all. I think that this reason, right here, is the number one main reason why we love dogs (and all of our pets) so much. As I mentioned before, Dog Love is thought to be unconditional. Love between people and animals is one of the purest and truest Love’s there is. And I think this is why:
I hear this quote mentioned at weddings, on T.V. and in books all the time. But when you think of it, and I mean really take some time to process what exactly is being said, I’m not sure that this is able to be applied to any relationships that people have with each other. Granted, I don’t think that it is supposed to be taken literally either. Rather, I think it is an ideal that any people in any kind of love should strive for. This is what loving someone should be about. But I find that it really and truly can be applied to our love for our animals. Only they, being truly honest beings, cannot put any negative attachments on their love. Dog Love is the love being mentioned in God’s words:
“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”
So enjoy your dog love. Bask in it. Let it wash over you everyday that you are blessed to have your canine companions here with you. And know, as God said, Love does not end. And this is true for all love; Dog Love included. So if you have had to say good-bye to a dear friend, or if that time has not yet come, just know that your Dog Love will shine on forever. Those who are gone, live on forever in the hearts of those who remember them, as we are left with their paw-prints on our hearts and their Dog Love in our souls.

Black Sheep

"Must Love Dogs" part 1: Black Sheep

I read a quote not too long ago, that said something like “one of the greatest joys in life is to find out who you are and what you are meant to do” or something like that. (I wasn’t able to find the original quote to refer to). I think it was well said, and I totally agree. But I think that there is something even more exciting than that...finding out who you are, and then finding people who are just like you. No matter what a persons interests are, there are always people out there who share them. Sure, it may be hard to find someone who enjoys collecting antique paperclips as much as you do, but sure enough, there are people that do. However, waiting to find those people who share your passion for various things in life can be one of the loneliest waits you may ever experience. Not having anyone to talk to about your love for something; having no one to share joys, losses, and sacrifices with; not having anyone who cares enough to laugh with you through the good times, cry with you through the bad, and to pick you up after things get tough. It’s beyond just your regular friends or family. If you don’t have people in your life who share the same passion that you do, life can be a very lonely and solitary road to walk. And it’s not your regular family/friends faults...its just that their passions and loves just happen to be something different. However, issues arise when those "regular" (and I don’t mean to insult anyone...maybe regular isn’t the right word? I just mean, familiar: friends and family who you know and love, and they know and love you back) friends and family members start not respecting you, or even mocking or ridiculing you because of your interests. Sure, it may start out as a bit of teasing (some of us who are passionate about some things can take it to the extreme; myself included!) but then turns into something more personal. The attacks become less funny, and more savage. It seems very akin to having your race, religion, or personality attacked. They’re attacking something that makes you, you. They are attacking your very core, the fiber of your being. It can turn very old, loving relationships into those hardly recognizable; relationships that become severed because of hurtful words or actions that can never be taken back. You’re hurt because these are the people who supposedly know you the best, love you the most. And yet they say and do hurtful things because they don’t think that you are "the norm". Usually, they are blissfully unaware that the things that have been said or done have hurt you that bad. They don’t know that you have been mortally wounded; that a sick feeling has crept into your stomach and tears have formed in your eyes. These situations are tough...tough to forgive, and tougher to forget. BUT, if you are lucky enough to be at the stage of your journey where you have found that magical group of people who share your dreams and passions, then the hurtful things that are said by others outside of that special group don’t hurt as bad. You know that even though you have been cut, your wounds heal that much more quickly when you have good medicine in the form of kind words and encouragement given by the people who understand you best.I think that if you find yourself if the category of "animal lover", as I do, you have challenges that make those listed above unique. Although I cant say for sure, as I’ve never walked this path, I think it is akin to being gay in today’s society: sure, people are tolerant (a lot more than they used to be) but you still encounter naive people who often misunderstand you because of their own fears. A lot of people just don’t understand...a lot of people think it’s a choice, or a "lifestyle", and do not realize that this is how you were born; how God made you. And again, these people may be in your own circle of friends and family. One of the good things, however, about being an animal lover is that you can find people who share the same passion a little easier, as there are so many of us out there. And what has sprung from our vast numbers is a very large and wide array of books celebrating the love and special bond between pets and their people. I don’t think that anyone has put what we animal lovers feel in today’s society better than Carolyn Knapp in her book (which is one of my all-time favorites, perhaps for obvious reasons) "Pack of Two":
...“Fall in love with a dog, and among non-dog people, you will see eyebrows raise, expressions grow wary. You’ll reach into your wallet to brandish a photograph of a new puppy, and a friend will say, ‘Oh no-not pictures.’...Attitudes like this can make dog lovers feel like members of a secret society, as though we’re inhabiting a strange and somehow improper universe....and at one point I said quite candidly, ‘I’m not sure I would have been able to face the loss if I hadn’t had he dog.’ This seemed like a perfectly reasonable statement to me-I tend to take my attachment to her (Knapp’s dog “Lucille”) for granted these days, as a simple and central fact of life-but Lisa’s eyes widened a little when I said it. She said ‘Wait a minute. You’re scaring me.’Scaring her? I looked at Lisa, aware of a sudden sense of dissonance, as though I’d just exposed too much. It was an uh-oh feeling: Uh-oh, she doesn’t live in that world, she probably thinks I’m a wacko. So I took a deep breath and tried to explain. This is a complicated task, trying to describe how a relationship with a dog can be healthy and sustaining and rich. It’s hard even trying to explain that the attachment does, in fact, qualify as a relationship, a genuine union between two beings who communicate with, respect, and give to one another. Unless you fall back on the one or two pat explanations we routinely trot out in order to explain the canine place in the human heart-dogs give us unconditional love, dogs are ‘good companions’-it’s hard to talk about loving a dog deeply without inviting skepticism. A lot of people, quite frankly, think intense attachments to animals are weird and suspect, the domain of people who can’t quite handle attachments to humans.…But I didn’t go into all that with Lisa. Instead, I used safe descriptions, clinical terms.…Lisa seemed to respond positively enough to this line of thought-‘right,’ she said at one point, ‘they are good companions;-but I was aware as I talked of a gnawing frustration, a sense of my own compulsion to hold back when I talk about my dog and to offer up what’s in effect a watered-down and fairly stereotypical view of attachment: dog as man’s best friend, dog as loyal and faithful servant. There are elements of truth to that view-dogs can be wonderful friends, they can be enormously loyal and faithful creatures-but those factors represent only one part of the picture, a limited and really rather arrogant fragment that concerns only the way dogs serve us, not the way we serve them or the ways we serve each other. Finally, I shook my head and said to Lisa, ‘You know, it’s been really important to me to learn not to pathologize my relationship with Lucille. People have very powerful relationships with their dogs, and that doesn’t mean they’re crazy, or that they’re substituting dogs for humans, or that they’re somehow incapable of forming intimate attachments with people. It’s a different kind of relationship, but it’s no less authentic.’Alas..... Lisa looked across the table and said, ‘You’re still scaring me.’”....
I read that passage and realized that I could not have expressed how I feel in better words than those. They have stuck with me since I first picked up the book over a year ago. This is exactly how most of us in the animal/pet-loving world feel...although we are often times not confident enough in our relationships with "normal" people to express it. And, as you can see with Carolyn’s discussion with her friend Lisa, even if we do get brave, frustrated or annoyed enough that we DO speak our mind, nothing that we say really sinks in.I think it is important to mention too, that just like with anything in life, there are variations of "animal lover". Just because you "own" an animal, doesn’t mean that you are immediately inducted into the "animal lover" club. I have seen my fair share of people come into training classes, dog shows, pet stores and vet clinics that share their home with animals, but really don’t see them anything except furniture that can move. They do what is necessary (sometimes, sometimes not) but really don’t care that much for them. Then again, you have people at the total opposite end of the spectrum who think that we shouldn’t even have animals as pets. I know some people who support PETA who think that the very idea that we "own" animals akin them to slaves and by keeping them in our homes we are robbing them of their natural rights and tendencies. There are also people who believe that every animal needs saving. Where do I fall? Where do most "animal lovers" in fact fall? Probably somewhere in between, though I of course can really only speak for myself. I do not see my dogs as objects or property that I own. And although I compete with them, I do not see them as ribbon-winning machines either. They are co-habitants of my home, and mostly like children. And although I will openly admit that yes, I see them as my kids, they are not treated like "human" kids are. They are loved like human kids, and respected as equals, but they are not babied or coddled. The first trainer that I ever worked for said that there are in fact appropriate ways to spoil a dog, without them turning into little monsters who think that they are in charge of your home and life. The key is to remember that they are a separate species, and as such, they have different rules and instinct that guide them through life. It’s important to know these rules and instincts so that everyone can co-habitate peacefully; it is not fair to have expectations of our dogs that are unrealistic. It is unfair to think that they will behave like civilized members of society without careful socialization, training and guidance. If you forget that your dogs are dogs, and treat them like small humans in fur coats, then you are asking to be constantly frustrated and upset with these confused beings who just want to share your home and your heart.However, there are many ways that we can treat our pets like we treat the other most loved members of our families that wont hurt them...in fact, there are some things we can do that can improve their lives in many ways. So much of the pet industry now is dedicated to making "human" products for our furry friends, though so much of those products really aren’t applicable or useful to them at all. I mean, what dog do you know needs a high fashion bikini before going in to take a swim? Or what dog really cares if his bed happens to sit on a four-poster cherry bed-frame? But some products that have been carried over have made their lives happier and more comfortable. I, for example, spent quite a bit of money (more than I care to admit here...) for memory foam beds for the living room for both my girls. They also wear booties when they go out for hikes in the snow to protect their delicate pads from the cold, ice, and toxic chemicals found in salt. Some advances in other areas, in nutrition for example, have made our friends much healthier and happier. I certainly know that having my dogs on a much higher grade kibble made a difference, and an even bigger one was made when I switched them to raw. I also know that they will probably by healthier with less vaccines being given to them as well. THIS is what separates the real "animal lovers" from the "animal owners." Animal lovers treat their dogs with the same respect and courtesy that we would treat any human. And we are constantly improving their lives from what we learn every day. Not too long ago, it was thought that animals felt no pain. They were not given pain meds through routine surgery such as a spay. But now it is common practice. We realize that our pets are so similar to us, in so many ways, that it would be pure ignorance and would do them a great disservice to not treat them in the same ways. And real animal lovers WANT to learn; we are constantly educating ourselves to make sure we are giving our pets the best lives possible. But to reiterate, this is what separates us into animal lovers, animal owners, and everyone else. People who don’t give animals the same respect and courtesy as people, see us as people who cant lead normal lives, and therefore must turn our attention and love onto some being that really cant reciprocate. They are often the ones heard saying "It’s just a DOG" (see my "Just a dog" blog.) So, what do we as animal lovers do when society tells us that we are the "black sheep"? We do what we have always done. Smile. Ignore it. Go on with our lives. And we can do that for so many reasons...because we have found our niche' in life, and are happy and content. We have found those other happy and content people who share our passion for the furry beings who walk the path of life with us. And we know that at the end of the day, when all is said and done (no matter what was said, and what was done) we have those furry beings waiting for us at home to greet us and shower us with unconditional love. And finally, because we know how intelligent and sweet sheep can really be, and take being called one a compliment.(For the record, as many times as I have experienced the hurt feelings and loneliness mentioned in the first half of this blog, I have also experienced just as many compliments and "warm fuzzies" from friends and family too. My mom happens to be not only my hero, but my biggest fan. She has ALWAYS encouraged and helped along my love for animals; even when it has cost her more money and gray hair than she would care to admit! I even received a phone call from an Aunt just a few weeks ago, where she told me that she was so proud of my love for my girls, and how lucky they must be to have me. Now, I don’t know about that, but it really brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. And that’s the thing about friends and family, although they may think your crazy, and completely obsessed, you can always tell who really loves you...and as the Beatles so wisely said, "love is all you need".)

A ray of light through skies of gray...

This blog is about the very special visit with my girls that I was extremely lucky to have, while I was hospitalized at Mass General Hospital. I was there for 12 days total, and am now home; Im now able to see, touch, and play with my girls any time that I want. I will never take their presence and love for granted again...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m still here. Still playing the waiting game, still sitting in my room at MGH. But today’s different. Sure, I woke up at an unreasonably early hour, ate my standard breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon and home fries, and I took a shower. But today something really special happened. Today I got to see my girls for the first time in over a week.I left my girls to go to work at about 20 mins of 10 last Monday, which was January 12. I just got back from seeing them; 7 days, 3 hours and about 40 minutes without any contact from my kids. I don’t know why, but it seems like the more you love someone or something, and the more you try not to forget it, not to let it slip silently from your memory, the faster it fades away. I can picture some random celebrity at any point in time. Remember what someone was wearing in some episode of a stupid T.V. show, but I have a hard time remembering what my Dad looks like. I forget the details of his face, how strong he felt when I hugged him, and how tall he was to me, even when I was wearing dress shoes with a bit of a heel. This time in the hospital away from my dogs is no different. I cant remember how soft their fur is; I cant remember the dark depths that their eyes portray; I cant remember the sound of their whine, or their barks; I cant remember the delicate way that their muzzles taper into a fine point where a obsidian black wet nose rests. But I can remember all of those things now, because I was lucky enough to have a mom who drove the ½ hour down and back to bring them for a visit, to have a Dr. who wrote orders that let me go off the floor, to have a nurse that took time out of her busy day to wheel me down stairs, a building over both down and back, and to have met a security guard that, when he spotted us, looked the other way and gave us another 5 minutes.I sat in Christmas-Eve like anticipation at the windows, waiting for my moms blue jeep to pull around the corner, to deliver to me my girls. Finally, I saw them. My nurse went out and spoke with her, and the next thing that I knew was that my mom was leashing them up and bringing them inside of the building. Luckily today is MLK day, and the Wang building, which is mostly out-patient care, was closed and empty for the most part. The girls walked in and gazed around curiously at their new surroundings. They have been in hospital like settings before, but obviously not here at MGH. I was sitting in a wheel chair facing away from the windows, staring avidly at my furry children that just walked in. I called them, and my mom dropped their leashes and sent them to me. Shelby immediately registered that I was sitting there and started jumping up and rubbing her face into my legs and hands (she was wearing her gentle-leader which I instructed my mom to put on her before coming-to prevent her from screaming!) Heidi walked over to me, but didn’t seem as excited to see me. Sure, she came over and said hello, but wasn’t wiggling out of her skin like Shelby was. This, I have to be honest, was quite a disappointment. Heidi is supposed to be my “heart dog”. That once in a life time dog that you bond with so tightly, and so quickly that they are the equivalent of soul-mates. Heidi sure seemed indifferent to seeing me. So I focused on Shelby some more. I let her jump up into my lap, and took off her gentle-leader. She was panting quite a bit, probably due to both excitement and stress. I cradled her for a few minutes in my lap, and kissed her all over her furry, white arrow-blazed head. I kissed her on her nose, and looked into her eyes. I looked at her mouth, and at her teeth. I wanted to look for as long, and as hard as I could. I’m still not sure when I’ll be able to see them again. Then, I turned my attention to my somewhat indifferent Heidi. I picked her up and cradled her too in my lap. She seemed uncomfortable at first. She doesn’t like much being held, but this was even more stiff this time. I rubbed in her ears, kissed her head too, and then released her. They were both now trying to get me to pet them at the same time. I only have two hands, both of which have IV’s in them. So, I decided to sit on the floor. Here they had a little more access to me. Shelby tried again to get into my lap and nuzzle me; Heidi backed up into me awaiting her belly and bum rub. I of course obliged both. The next 15 or so minutes was a snuggle fest: I asked Heidi to get on her back so I could rub her tummy more fully, and Shelby repeatedly put her paw on my arm and listened intently to what ever words came out of my mouth. I asked her how she was, and if Mumma was feeding her, and playing with her. I told them I missed and loved them, though I didn’t say out loud everything that my heart was bursting to say. There were a few other people there, and my mom, and I didn’t want to look like a complete lunatic.When the visit had to end (as the security guard could no longer ignore us, as his boss spotted us on the security cameras), my mom asked them to come away and went to call my nurse to have her come and get me. Shelby was whining, and Heidi kept staring at me, not wanting to follow my mom away. I watched as she walked them to the car, and loaded them in. I heard Shelby doing her crazy barking in anticipation of the next ride. I wasn’t able to see Heidi, but my heart has placed the image of her looking longingly out the window, back at me who was secretly and quietly dying inside. My mom waved by from the window, and then drove away. The security guard then handed me something: it was Shelby’s gentle-leader that had been ignored by both of us on the ledge of the pay phones. I held it, and remembered my new favorite quote: “I feel the same spiritual comfort holding a leash, as others feel holding a rosary.” While I waited for the nurse to come back and get me, all sorts of thoughts about my girls flooded my mind. I realized how much comfort that they give me on a daily basis. For example, how wonderful it feels to have the warm weight of Shelby sitting on my lap while I watch T.V. or nap. How much joy I get from seeing them chasing each other in a game of sheltie-herding-tag out in the yard, or on a walk. How comforting it is to have someone to talk to, even if its just cooing nonsense while I walk to get “snackies”” for them. How much faster I fall asleep when I have my face buried in Heidi’s snow white mane, and my fingers entwined in her pumpkin-pie colored hair. These are the very personal things that make my life with my girls so amazing. There are of course so many general things that make living with dogs a joy for people all over the world. I hope to elaborate on those later. They’re pretty much almost all summed up in “A Pack of Two”, my favorite book of all time. As for right now, I think I’m going to try and read some more (a new book that I bought at the Boston Show called “Dogs of Dream Time”). I’m going to try not to focus on how much I miss my girls, but focus on how lovely it was to have seen them; to have touched them. I’m also going to try hard and not focus on the fact that I expected them to be so much happier to have seen me for the first time in a week. Its hard for a human who loves something so much, to feel like they are not getting that same loving feeling in return. But we, well, I as a human, have to realize that I am loving dogs; and one of the brilliance of dogs as a species, and one of the reasons that they have been so successful in keeping their role as mans best friend, is their ability to adapt. I don’t doubt that were the circumstances different and both of us were gone, and they were left in a strange environment, they would be much happier to see me. I’m trying to remember if this was the case when we left them with Becky a few years ago when we went down to Florida. I think that they were both overjoyed to have us back, and to be back on familiar ground. Although dogs are masters of adaptation, they don’t really like the change that comes with it. So, although they are functioning, and happy now, as my mom is taking SUCH good care of them, I’m sure that they will be happier and a bit more content once things are “back to normal” and their entire pack (or maybe in their case, “flock” is back together.) See? Now I feel better already. I’m going to go back and hold Shelby’s gentle-leader or a little while, and relish every single dog hair that I can find on my clothes; a memento from our precious visit.