Kennel update (still panicking!)

So here is the update on our kennel visits from last weekend (finally). I have to admit, I tried putting off the visits for a week, but in the end I forced myself to go and have a look last Saturday. It is just so hard thinking about leaving them, even for a few days. I knew seeing the kennels would essentially make my decision final; I felt like if I could just put it off, another option would miraculously materialize before I needed to leave. Then my rational side kicked in and I thought about how hard it will be to leave them, compounded with the fact that if I had not done my homework, the already difficult situation would be made all the more hard. So I got off my butt and took the short drive to see them both.

I have to say that there are quite a few qualifications I look for in ANY place I plan to bring my dogs; whether it be for a seminar, class, boarding, etc. Being in the business, I know what warning signs to look for in the facility AND the staff: I find it pretty easy to spot red-flags, but also pick up on the positives of a place as well. So one of the first things that make an impression on anyone walking in is the staff. Are the friendly and welcoming? Does it seem like it is a hassle or harassment to ask them for something (that is probably part of their job??) Does it seem like they WANT to be there and enjoy their work? That last one is the big one for me. I know what it feels like to work somewhere and be MISERABLE. I'm sure that the clients felt it, but even more worrisome, is I'm sure that the DOGS felt it. That's why I left that job. And I don't want someone who doesn't want to be there to be handling my dog; their short temper or lack of compassion is not something I want my kids to experience. And I'm not saying that we all don't have bad days. Of course we do. I can't tell you how many times Ive been short with my girls after having a stressful day at work. The difference is that we have a RELATIONSHIP. My dogs and I know each others personalities, temperaments and quirks. Having my girls in the care of someone who doesn't really care at all can make an already stressful situation all the more worse. I don't want that. I want caring people, who love their jobs: where they work, what they do, and who they work with. (This is one reason why I love my own job so much; everyone is extremely dedicated to our patients and other members of our team.)

Another, obvious thing that I look at is the facility. Sure, it really is the people who make a business successful (or not), but the place in which these people work is obviously just as important. It needs to be clean, updated and SAFE. I want to make sure that there is no damage or faults with anything structurally where my dogs (or anyone else's) will be staying, i.e.: screws sticking out from places, chipped/splintered wood, cracks in the floor that can harbor bacteria and broken/sharp chain-link. I also want to make sure that the outside is just as good as the inside. It's important that where the dogs are expected to potty and play be just as clean and safe: no holes in any fencing allowing escapes and proper ground cover to be both sanitary and safe to play on.

I know that the dog people out there will be nodding and agreeing with these areas that need to be inspected. Some of my human, non-dog owning/loving friends may think its over kill. But wouldn't you do the same when looking for somewhere for your HUMAN kids? Just because my adopted children still walk on all fours and are covered in fur doesn't make their lives, happiness, comfort and safety any less important.

So, with those things in mind, I went to visit kennel #1. This was the kennel that was the fore-runner in my mind already. I just like everything that they stand for, and the things they do for the good of dog-dom. Again, I had been there before for seminars and events, but had never seen the boarding/daycare area. When I walked in, I was greeted by two very nice, friendly staff members. Already, a plus for this kennel. Both seemed glad to help, and happy to be there (even on a Saturday morning). One woman was checking someone in already, so the other offered to take me for a tour. She called on her walkie-talkie out back to make sure that the kennel was "secure" (i.e. in lock down, no one running around) before bringing me out to see it. As we walked, I told her of my concerns with Shelby and her previous episode of HGE. She told me that that made her concerned too. She said that although they had a wonderful facility, that it was still no doubt a kennel-setting; it can be loud and stressful. I was not allowed in the actual room where the kennel runs were kept because it would get all the dogs riled up (which I completely understood!) but I could see the two "suites" that I had been interested in. These were not runs like the rest made of chain link fencing, but they were their own little rooms with in the big kennel room. They had concrete walls and a solid, wooden dutch door (with a plexi-glass window on the top panel). These had guillotine doors to allow the dogs to go to a small, fenced patio area where they could take care of "business". The floor was concrete. Although I understood this, as it was easily sprayed down and washed, it still bothered me; I am not sure if my girls will be willing to go on it. I'm afraid they will hold it until they get to their play-yard time and will get a UTI, or in Shelby's case, diarrhea.

The woman explained that they usually give them 3 times throughout the day to use the "play-yards" which are 8 fenced in areas that have sand on the ground. It kind of reminded me of a cattle ranch; different chutes and areas where dogs could go to make sure that they did not come into any contact with any other dog, besides the ones from their families. She told me that this free yard time could be used for cuddling or playing. Whatever suited the dogs individual needs. (I immediately though that this would be the place where "Chuck-It" came out!) The woman emphasized that they are really about the DOG'S needs here; they will tailor the dogs stay to whatever they need or want. They have someone on site 24 hours, and will try to contact our vet first, and then the 24 hour clinic up the road from them if our vet is unavailable. (I explained that our vet is also 24 hours, and that I work there). She suggested that maybe we do a "trial overnight" where the girls can stay one night at a discounted rate to make sure they can handle the situation OK, and to reinforce that I will be coming back to get them.

I thanked the woman for all of her time and help, grabbed some printed info on their boarding program and left. Off to option #2. This kennel is actually only a short 15 min drive from the first one. This one I had a little more experience with, as it is where I usually groom the dogs, but this extra experience wasn't necessarily a good thing. I had encountered a few rude employees before; on two instances it was one of the owners. But, I figured that I should at least go and have a peek. I wanted to give them a chance.

When I pulled in the parking lot, I saw that they were doing a show 'n' go for agility. Luckily it wasn't too crowded. I walked up to the window and explained that I had emailed about some boarding info and was told I could come by and see the facility. The man (who is one of the other owners) said that he could do it. So he took me out through the main hall (where the agility was taking place) and brought me to the kennel area. These were all chain link indoor/outdoor runs. Some were slightly bigger than the others, and those housed multiple dogs. He didn't give me too much information, other than the standard "this is where they stay, they never come into contact with other dogs, etc." I never saw the outdoor portion of the runs. It was very full (again, a Saturday) but the dogs seemed overall content. It was loud, but not excessively so. When I was back in the main lobby grabbing some info, the man asked where I was from. When I told him Methuen, he said that he had driven trucks around that area for years. He went on to say how terrible of a place the area was, with an outrageous crime and violence rate. I told him I lived in a quiet section in the rural part of town and he proceeded to tell me that ALL parts were bad. Yeah. This is the type of rudeness that I had come to expect from his wife also. Although the facility was nice, and I will go back for classes, seminars etc., the staff leave something to be desired.

So, after seeing them both, I felt a little uneasy. I'm not sure if it is the hugeness of my decision to leave my precious girls in someone else's hands in a strange place, or because I had now seen the facilities and realized that yes, they WERE KENNELS. I really did/do like the first place, but...it is still a kennel. I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't prepared for the reality of it. I have seriously started considering getting a pet sitter for the girls. I think they'll be more comfortable at home in their own beds and rooms and having some one drop by 3-4 times a day would be plenty for them to potty, eat and get some exercise. I mean, of course I am by no means made of money (as I still have a $677 bill from the hospital sitting on my table waiting to be paid!) but I will pay/do whatever it takes to make sure my girls are happy, comfortable and safe.

But the pet sitter option is an issue in itself. I have been on the various certification website (pet sitters international, etc.) and cannot really find anyone in my area. It seems like a lot of people cover New Hampshire, or north or west of Methuen, but no one says that they cover the Merrimack Valley area. And here too I am very picky; I want someone who is Pet First-Aid certified and accredited by some organization. I sent out a plea to the message board for the Sheltie Club in my area, but have only received one response. I'm still looking into it all, but I think that I have a really tough decision ahead of me.

Well, that's all for now. As things develop, the Shelties and I will of course keep everyone posted. For right now, we're just going to enjoy the time we have before the dreaded 4 days in October come. I'll keep hunting, and if the stars, moon and sun align, we might just find someone who will make the whole process just a little more bearable for us all...

Preparing to panic

I publish this post with a heavy heart. My plans for a long and glorious road trip to Florida this October have died. I ask you all to take a moment of silence for them. Thank you.



My dreams of a road trip for this year have ended due to my inability to pay for such an extensive (and expensive) car trip. The idea initially sprang from my inclusion in a friends wedding; she had changed her plans from getting married locally here in New England to getting married on a cruise ship (before it departs for a week long cruise in the Caribbean) in Miami. Upon hearing the news about the change of plans (and venue) I immediately became worried: what was I going to do with my dogs while I needed to be away? They have never been kenneled, and I broke into heavy perspiration at the thought of trying to either find a reliable kennel that I trusted (and also agreed to feed their specialized raw diet, and did not require a kennel cough vaccine) or a REALLY reliable bonded and insured pet sitter. But then I started to have wild and crazy thoughts fed by my increasing wander-lust (no doubt borne from my house arrest and inability to go anywhere for 7 weeks!) I thought how fun it would be to make the DRIVE from Massachusetts to Florida; all those amazing things along the eastern seaboard. I started getting REALLY into the idea, and even put in for my 2 weeks vacation the week before (of) and the week after the wedding, so I could visit with family and actually experience some of the amazing things offered along the way.



I got even MORE into it when one day I spent the entire day on the computer researching dog friendly places in all of the states that we would cross. I made a list of everything that we wanted to see and do, and even of some places to stay. I pretty much had the whole trip planned and figured out. It not only served as something to keep my mind busy when I was still idling, but also something REALLY positive to focus on in the not too distant future. But now, alas, the plans have somewhat died. I cannot say they have completely gone because I still have all of the information that I collected saved on my computer and I DO plan on someday taking this really wonderful trip, but...it just doesn't look like it is going to be this year. For a trip like this, you need to plan far ahead; like, I should be planning NOW. And I just do not have the funds to support those plans. Nor do I think I WILL have the funds when October rolls around. (I still have medical bills, credit card debt and a kayak debt from my mom to pay off!) So I'm trying to convince myself that I am taking the mature and responsible route, and looking into alternative options now before it gets too close to the dates and it is then too late.



So, I've decided that we'll (my mom and I) probably fly down to Florida on Thursday, stay and visit with family on Friday, do the wedding on Saturday, and fly home on Sunday. I know, it seems like I should be taking more time, but the truth is, I don't want to leave my dogs for that long. It's been hard enough leaving them at home when I went back to work, which of course, is involuntary. I can't imagine how difficult it will be to drive away from them knowing that I'm supposed to be off to have a "good time".



So, with the cancellation of my big trip and the drastic change in plans, I find myself doing research not into dog friendly places to visit and enjoy, but a raw-friendly, vaccine free kennel (read: PRISON) to leave my girls. That little sense of maturity, responsibility and preparedness has not faded away since I made the big decision. I know that I need to find somewhere that not only has the afore mentioned qualities (that ALLOW my dogs to be there), but a place that is clean, professional, staffed 24 hours and equipped to handle any situation. In short, a place that I am comfortable leaving my furry children whilst I am away; thus (hopefully) ensuring a little bit more peace of mind which will (again, hopefully) then lead to a more pleasant and fun (albeit SHORT) trip.



So, my search starts now. I have already found 2 well known, well established kennels with great reputations in my area. Yes, they are in the neighboring state of New Hampshire, but both are only about a 45 min drive from my home in Mass. I have been to both facilities before for shows, training classes and other events, but never looked hard at their boarding program. Lets face it, before now, Ive never had to! I have to say that even this early into my research, I am leaning more heavily to one facility over another. One just seems more...I dunno, is prepared a good word? Their facilities seem to be more up to date and state of the art, and I have always really liked their message and the work that the owner (a very well known clicker trainer) has done both in her facility and in the dog community as a whole. The other kennel option is also very well known, but for slightly different reasons. They have some of THE top handlers in THE WORLD when it comes to competition obedience and agility. But I know from experience (from being there for various things) that it is fairly loud; I'd want to make sure that where the girls would be staying would be a bit quieter and calmer.



This is a big issue for me, as I believe that Shelby's case of HGE (hemorrhagic gastroenteritis) was a DIRECT result of being stressed out from being in a "kennel" situation. I was house sitting for a friend of mine, who also operates a small kennel/doggie daycare out of her home. My girls were not allowed up in the main house, so I kept them down stairs with the other boarders. I wasn't able to leave them at home because the kennel was very close to work at the time, but work (and therefore the kennel) was about a 45 min. drive each way to my house. I just wasn't able to work, take care of the kennel dogs and my own in a days time. So I brought my girls along. We were there for probably 3 or 4 days(?) When I got home Shelby started with diarrhea. On the second day home it turned bloody. By the end of that day, she was producing a large mass of what looked like blood-clots (a jam-like consistency.) I took her to our regular vet (at the time) and the doctor we saw said "she must have gotten into something. Try a bland diet". I try explaining to this guy (who looked like it was his 2nd day out of vet school) that there was NO WAY that she just ate something; she is with me at work AND at home, and we have a trash compactor. Something was wrong. I ended up taking her for a "second opinion" the next morning after it had gotten worse. I took her to where I work now. This vet diagnosed her with HGE right away; she had an arrhythmia because she was so anemic and weak. She could have DIED. Needless to say, this new clinic became our new vet, and we have continued to see that same doctor since. (Although for emergencies when she is unavailable, we see who ever is here...they're all WONDERFUL).



So, needless to say I'm a little apprehensive about leaving them. Although HGE is said to have a very strong tendency to reoccur, Shelby has never had another problem. Maybe it is because she is on a better diet, maybe because I've limited her stress, but what ever the reason, I'm glad that particular scare has not come back to haunt us. So having a kennel be quiet and stress free is very high on our importance list. Just having a good reputation is not going to do it. I have to actually see and experience the kennel for myself; with my own eyes. I mean, I of course would have done regardless of whether or not either of my girls had any issues; but Shelby's potential bowel troubles have made it all the more important.



So, this is where I head on my Friday off this week; to see and inspect the two kennels for myself. I hope to have a review and our impressions (and hopefully reservations!) to let you all know about this weekend. Wish me luck, and if any one has any tranquilizers, could you pass them along? Not for the girls...for their over-bonded, nervous-nellie Sheltie Mom! Thank you!

Precious lessons, precious moments

I have now officially been back to work for 3 weeks, going on four. It has been a really nice process, getting back into the swing of things, made much easier by my jobs' willingness to let me get back to work slowly. I've been oh "phone duty" since I've been back, and have been able to take it at a slow pace: allowing both my body and mind to get used to doing something other than sit on the couch and type on the computer. Tonight, however, is my first shift OUT of the phone room and back into "reality". Not only was this shift throwing me back into the pool with my responsibilities of old, but it was a shift that threw me right in the deep-end: a shift in the emergency room.

I'm about half way through as I write this, and I'm doing pretty well. But, just like with everything else that has come along with this "experience", I'm learning (well, relearning)lots of lessons. Because I was in the "phone room" for a few weeks before I even went into the hospital, it's been (honestly) about 3 months since I've done anything BUT talk to clients over the phone. I have to now not only relearn all of the little processes that come along with working in emergency, but I also have to relearn how to interact face to face with clients and their pets; both of whom are often distraught over the circumstances that brought them to us in the emergency room in the first place.

A few of our policies have changed, so I am also having to learn and apply those on the spot; but even doing that, I'm finding that getting back into the groove is just like getting back on a bike. Sure, it takes a little time to get my balance and bearings, but after a little bit of practice, I'm cruising right along unassisted.

That assistance in coming back has definitely made a big difference too. I can always depend on our amazing doctors, technicians and fellow receptionists to help me along the way, should I need it. It is an amazing feeling to not only really enjoy what you do, but to enjoy it AND be surrounded by other people who enjoy it as well. I really love all of the people that I work with, and am eternally grateful for their patience, guidance and help that they have given me, even when they were busy. It's great being part of any team, but to be a part of a team that has the same passion that you do is a truly wonderful experience. And although a lot of the lessons from today have served as "reminders", this is one lesson that I had not forgotten. The support that everyone has given me has been strong all along; tonight is nothing new. And even before my latest difficulties, I was aware of how amazing everyone is here. This had been our veterinary hospital for several years before I started working here last year. I had direct experience with every ones loving care before I got to actually work directly with them. It was a dream come true to get the job here; I knew I was going to be part of something that would impact the lives of people and their pets. Through the good times, and the bad.

And that brings me to the biggest lesson that I have had to relearn since I started my shift tonight. Beyond relearning my job and its responsibilities and beyond becoming more aware of my limitations and my can/cannot do's, I've had to relearn the hard lessons of being a pet owner. The hardest lesson being the one we all must someday regrettably face: the lesson that our furry children have life spans that are greatly shorter than ours. And that some day, a day that will come too soon for us all, we will have to say goodbye.

I can't say that this lesson had been one that I truly "forgot". Just a few days ago I read a post about this very difficult subject at one of the blogs we follow, "Whippet Snippets". And I know all of us Sheltie-bloggers are aware of the scare that Gio and his mom (and brother Romeo) faced just last week. We never know when our beloved friends time will come; we just know that it will come far too soon. And we know that there is always that possibility for the "emergency". Even if our pet is young and healthy, there may be a day that something tragic suddenly occurs; maybe, like in my own case, it will not be life ending, but life altering. No one knows when they will come up, or what the outcome will ultimately be: that's why their called emergencies! But although no one is ever prepared for one, just know that caring people in terms of veterinarians, technicians, and receptionists will be there; maybe not being medically able to save your friend, but hopefully making the process of saying goodbye even the slightest bit less painful. No one can ever take that kind of anguish away, but maybe someone will be able to lessen it a little bit.

I am so grateful for my job...not only because having a job in this tough economy is a blessing in itself, but I am REALLY grateful to have MY JOB. I get to go to work somewhere that is a state-of-the-art facility with a great reputation (which I can personally attest to!), work with incredibly caring and compassionate people who truly care about the pets, their owners and coworkers, and do a job that touches peoples lives every day. And all of those qualities combined not only make going to work a privilege, but a pleasure. Even though some days are tough, especially those days spent in the emergency room, those tough days are the days that teach you the most important lessons of all: our time here is short, and our time spent with the furry loves-of-our-lives is even shorter. Make sure you make the most out of every moment with them. You never know which moment may be the last you will share. Don't live your days in darkness and fear, but in light and in love.

I'm glad to be back to a more "normal" shift at work, and glad to be learning (and relearning) some important lessons while I'm here, but I am going to be even more happy and grateful when I can go home and hug my dogs. Snuggling with them, stroking their pointy Sheltie-heads and entwining my fingers in their soft fur is going to be a wonderful way to end today; and a reminder to pray that I get to experience the same precious gifts tomorrow.

Back to work, but still healing...

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been so long since the Shelties and I have updated; I was able to go back to work 2 weeks ago and it's taking a little time to get used to. I was supposed to go back part time (dr.s orders) but as business has been a bit slower and our hours are at full-time minimum (35-36 per week) so I figured that I would give full time a go. Looking back now, after two weeks have gone by, Im not sure that was the smartest decision. Ive been EXHAUSTED! Although I cannot be sure that it has been STRICTLY work that has made me so tired; Im still having some issues with bleeding (just part of the territory when you're on coumadin and Plavix) and I haven exactly been resting on my time off. The first week back wasnt so bad, but last week was the killer. I had been put on a 4 night schedule, and then Friday day. It was 5 straight shifts with all but one night. It was hard to get used to, and definitely took it's toll. But even being that tired from working, it was hard to say "no" to going outside when it feels like the never-ending winter is finally drawing to a close.



It's not like I feel obligated to be outside, but it feels like a tremendous waste if Im not. I have learned so much from this whole experience about not letting life's precious moments slip by; knowing that nothing in life is garunteed, including tomorrow. And I know that applies to not only my own life, but to the other lives I cherish so much. Having to leave my girls at home all day has made going back to work that much harder. I know that they are either curled up on the couch or on their memory-foam beds sleeping, and they really arent that concerneed at all about where I am or what Im doing, but I am the complete opposite. I think I have developed separation-anxiety! Sure, work is busy and I have to focus on the task at hand but during the down times it's hard to prevent my mind from thinking about them and fantasizing about the next adventure that we will have: walking in the woods or through open fields, running on the beach or kayaking.



Now, I know that my girls need exercise: theyre herding dogs bred to be outside moving their flocks around day in and day out. I also know what a well exercised dog looks like: tounge hanging out, look of glee on their face, and knowing that they are wondering when they'll be able to take a nap! And I know that exercising them is as easy as sitting on my back deck throwing the frisbee through the yard. Sure they love to do that, and it is a tool that I can use on days like today where we may not be able to do anything else, but...what fun is it? I know that we both like being outside hiking or taking a long walk much more. So thats what we've been doing. Hitting the beach last weekend, walking in Newburyport and at Woodsom Farm on Friday and then hiking some cross-country trails and walking at a park and playing Chuck-It on Saturday. But as juch fun as it all was, an as much as we all enjoyed every second of it, I think that the plan may have back fired.



In my attempt to enjoy life more and not letting any moment go to waste, Im afraid I wore all of us out. Im afraid I forgot that as much as we like being out there, enjoying the slightly warmer weather, the stronger sun and the fresher air, it is important for us to continue to take baby-steps. Im still not 100% and still have a long road of recovery ahead. If I continue to take steps at leaps and bounds rather than at a slower and more comfortable pace, then Im going to be on this road for a longer period of time. Im going to find myself getting more tired and more frustrated. Im going to look back and wish that I could do it all again, wish that I would have taken my time. And of course this also goes for the girls. They too have been cooped up all winter with out much exercise. Their little muscles and joints will also need some time to warm up, stretch out and adjust to a more demanding work out. Although they also love to be outside and will do anything or go anywhere that I ask, I have to keep their health and well being in mind. Just because we all want to, and our spirit is willing, doesnt mean that we can or that our bodies are yet ready.



So we, well I, made some mistakes this past weekend. We did too much, too quickly. Although yes, I did rest (I was so tired, I couldnt help but not to) I also pushed us harder than we should have been. We walked and hiked at about 4 different locations and played Chuck-It to top it off. Needless to say, now that the new work week has begun, I still feel tired. And I KNOW the girls do, because they are both sleeping right now! Heidi is stretched out against the side of the couch and Shelby is curled up in Heidi's crate. They are probably going to be thanking their lucky stars that I'll be gone today! They'll at least finally get to rest!



So as you can see, Im still continuing to learn. This experience is still teaching me lots. Im still going to be hard pressed to stop myself staring out the window day dreaming while I watch the beautifully setting sun, and Im still going to be itching to get out and enjoy the weather that I know will just get more and more pleasant, but Im also going to really try and remember to take it easy; to take it slow. Although I dont want to waste any of the precious time that I have, I also dont want to rush through it so fast that Im not enjoying or remembering it. I want to make sure that I notice the sound of the wind gusting through the pine boughs, making them creak and whine while they are pushed and pulled. I want to make sure I appreciate the smallness that I feel as I watch the waves crash against the rocky shore with the sun sinking slowly into the vastness of the sea beyond. I want to forever imprint the earthy, citrusy smell of nature (and their Quantum natural tick repellant!) that my dogs keep in their fur after one of our favorite walks. I love how that smell fills me up like drink as I wait for sleep to carry me away to my dreams.



So this is the goal for the days off that are coming up next (this Friday and Saturday). Sure we'll be out and about if the weather is nice and enjoying a bit of it, but I'll also take some time to read some of the books that are still lingering around from my work absence, catch up on everyones WONDERFUL doggy blogs, and maybe even watch some movies (yes, Lassie is included!) My girls will get to play more indoor games, and get to munch on a few more treats. You know, the stuff that Sheltie dreams are made of. I dont doubt that we will hit some "doggy stores" and do a few "field trips" as well, but I really am going to try and remain concious of the fact that we are still supposed to be RESTING. Im going to try to keep in mind that although the days seem beautiful right now, they are only going to keep getting better; if I wear myself out at this stage of the game, Im going to be REALLY upset at not having any energy once the seventy degree days hit. And of course my girls will be pretty upset too!!

Luckily the weather for this weekend is forecast to be cloudy and a bit rainy this weekend, so that will help keep me indoors and in the slow lane. The Shelties dont really like being out in the drizzle either (yes, they WERE bred to live on the Shetland Islands, home of some of the worlds wors weather!) so Im sure they too will be content just snuggling and hanging out. Although I will be thee first one to say that I have a long road ahead, and will be the last to say that this journey is over, I am so lucky that I have such wonderful Heart-Dogs to help me through this all. I know I still have much to learn, and I know that they still have much to teach. Lucky for me their love, patience and intuitiveness is never ending and unconditional. I will be forever grateful to my furry Sheltie-shaped Angels.

Part 2: My Mom's many gifts

So in my last post, I started talking about the amazing freedom I felt being out on the open water in a kayak. This brings me to the "craziness" I also mentioned. My mom actually BOUGHT me a kayak for Christmas this year. I was kind of sad and disappointed at first. I was in the beginning of my medical ordeal and felt weak and unhealthy. I felt like I had had my independence and possibly my life as I knew it stolen away; how dare she buy me something that I would never ever be able to use! But my mom knows me better than I think I know myself. She knew that it would be something that I would start looking forward to as I started feeling better. And she was right. A week or two ago, I was feeling so good, and so excited for the future, I went out into the garage, unwrapped it ( it was wrapped up because it had been shipped) and got in. I just wanted to get the feel for it; see how well the girls and I fit. I called the girls over and lifted Heidi in. This is where we hit a little snag. Heidi would fit in, but just barely. This is a sit-inside kayak, and there just wasn't enough room for my legs and the dogs to fit inside comfortably. Heidi was finally able to sit, but there was no way Shelby was getting in. I felt a huge wave of disappointment. I had taken a trip with the girls down the Saco river in Maine lat yearand it was WONDERFUL. As much as I enjoyed boating when I was a kid, being able to bring the dogs along made the whole experience better. It was a lot more fun. And that trip had increased my want for a kayak of my own ten-fold. Just look at these pictures!
So now that they wouldn't fit...I didn't know what to do. I did sort of have a solution, but...it was going to be hard to pull off. When I had been shopping for Christmas, I went into a sporting goods store to buy my mom some winter gear because she's the one who snow-blows (I dont know why she doesnt trust me with doing it...). That's when I saw it. The boat of my DREAMS. The "Peekaboo" kayak from "Ocean Kayak". It was a sit-on-top, so it was easier to get in and out of (especially on the water). It has a clear window cut-out directly in front of the seat; I didn't so much care about using the window to look through: it was a perfect place for Shelby to sit! She likes being close to me in the boat. I can't have her sit on my lap, because that would make paddling impossible. So there was a seat for Shelby, but what about Heidi? Well, upon further inspection it looked like Heidi was all set too! There is a "jump seat" (which means a smaller, flat seat) on the bow built right into the plastic mold of the boat. Heidi LOVES riding the bow of the boat. This would be perfect for her. This boat was everything that I wanted. I went home and looked online to see how much it ran price wise. Yeah...the retail price was about 850$ That's A LOT of money. And that's just for the boat! You still need a paddle and life-jacket! When I got the kayak from my mom for Christmas, I figured I would use it this year, and save my money to buy the other one next spring. Maybe by that time the price would have gone down.

So, that was my master plan until the other day. I would just have to paddle without the dogs for a while. But an issue still remained. How to actually move and travel with it? For that, I needed a rack for my car. My mom said that she would buy a rack for me for my birthday. So we went up to the Kittery Trading Post (http://www.kitterytradingpost.com/) to go see the racks. The rack was complicated a bit because I needed something to not only hold the boat on my car, but to help me get it up there too. We deiced on the extra piece of equipment, the Yakima ShowBoat. (http://www.yakima.com/racks/kayak-rack/product/8004040/showboat.aspx) When we got to the store and had priced the rack, I asked about a kayak dolly so that I move it easier (put in on wheels, and pull to the water!) The sales associate asked me what type of Kayak I was looking for. I told her the "peekaboo". She said "we have those here in our outside boat yard, you know". I told her that I would go look at them after we were finished there, but asked if she could tell me the price before we went down. She said that usually they ran 850$, but that they were on sale. ON SALE?? For how much?!?! She said:

599$

Are you KIDDING?!? That is two-hundred and fifty dollars off!!! I turned to my mom (who had an expression on her face that was a clear mixture of exasperation and amusement) and told her that I could NOT leave without buying this boat. I would never, EVER find this kayak this cheap. I could put half on one credit card, and the other half on another card. I was rambling this off as an incoherent babble. My mom, always the level head, said we should go and LOOK at it first, before I started whipping out my plastic. So we went outside (and then down stairs) to the outdoor boat yard. There was my baby: it was bright yellow. Yeah...I wasn't prepared for the "yellowness" of it, but at 599$ I would have loved it if it was puke green! It was on the bottom shelf so I was able to pull it out and and then see it up close. The one I had originally seen had been hanging from the ceiling of the store; I wasn't able to really get in it or handle it. I wasn't able to see or feel what 61 lbs. of kayak really felt like.

It felt heavy! Now that I could touch it, I started to pick it up and lift it over my head (as if I was putting it on my car). It was really heavy! I put it back on the ground, and got in it. It was dirty and had leaves and snow in it, but that's because it had sat around for so long. Apparently they (there were two) were on sale because they had been sitting around for months. We were told that when these two sold, they would not be replacing them. So I got in and sat down. It was perfect. Like it had been built just for me and the dogs. It was like they measured my little Shelby, and built the "window seat" just for her. And the bow was plenty big for Heidi. It had sturdy handles built in along the sides, bow and stern. Yes. I had to buy it.

My mom then brought up the subject of how to get it home. Hmmm. We had just gone to LOOK at roof racks, but now we were apparently going to buy one as well. The basic rack that my mom had planned on buying for my birthday had ballooned into the FULL kayak holding/loading rack. The very VERY expensive full kayak holding/loading rack. She said that she would put it all on her credit card and then I would pay her back so she could pay it off. She then insisted that I get a life jacket ("You are NOT buying or getting in that kayak without one!!") and then the paddle AND the dolly. I told her that all of the extras could wait; I wouldn't be able to get out on the water until at least May. There was no rush. But she said we might as well get it all now. I agreed because at least the "damage" would be done and I would know how much I was to pay back.

So we loaded everything up at the register. There was a lot of discounts offered by the KTP that helped a little. They kayak, of course had it's own huge price break. But when you buy a boat here, you get every accessory 10% off. And there were regular sales going on on some of the items as well. So although the bill shocked us both, it could have been worse (everything is relative). I will start paying an extra 100$ a month in addition to what I pay for room and board until it is payed off. Hopefully once my own credit cards are payed off, I can pay more than the measly 100 bucks.

So we left with WAY more than we planned on...you know, especially since we only planned on looking! We had my moms car, so we brought all the pieces of the rack home and will drive them back up in my car on Sunday, when it is scheduled to be installed. The kayak is still there, as we had no way to bring it home on Tuesday. It will come home with us, on my newly installed rack on Sunday too.

I still cannot believe that my mom did not only buy me one kayak, but in fact, two. The other one may be bought by a friend of hers who has also always wanted one, and this will put a small dent in the exorbant amount of money on my moms card. Or my mom may keep it so that maybe we can kayak together. I'm not sure yet what might happen to my first "best gift ever". I just hope that my mom knows how important that it is to me, even if it didn't work out exactly the way that we both wanted it to.

The fact that she bought me something that important is really...amazing. Sure, she bought me something big and expensive. But that's not why it is important or why I think it is the best gift ever. It is the meaning behind it, and the sacrifice she made to get it for me. I felt terrible knowing that I had disappointed her by not being that excited about the first kayak when she first gave it to me. I know how hard she worked to buy it, and how much time and thought she had put into selecting it out of the hundreds of kayaks out there. But I just couldn't see past my own sadness at finally having something that I wanted so badly for so long, and knowing that I might not ever be healthy enough to use it.

But my mom was different. She knew better. Yes, she was disappointed at not being able to see the pure joy and excitement on my face when I had seen it for the first time. She must have been sad that instead of seeing tears of joy she had to see tears of pain. That's obviously not what she intended or expected. But she had hope for the future. She hoped, like only a mom can, that I would get better and I would be able to get out there and enjoy something that I had wanted so badly. I'm sure that she worried that she might be wrong and I might be right and I would not get well enough to safely be out on the water, but nevertheless she had hope. And yes, it turned out that she was the one who was right (as usual). It of course took a lot of time and a lot of healing, but I did get better. And I'm continuing to get better every day.

But I have not only improved because of medical intervention. I got better because of the amazing amount of love from my mom (and dogs) on a daily basis. The patience that she has had with me while I went through all of this has truly made a difference. She let slide when I lashed out in anger because she knew that at the root of that anger was fear and sadness. She never gave up on me, even when my attitude would have driven anyone else from the house. She could always be counted on for words of encouragement (even if I was not always up to listening) and always kept a brave and positive attitude for my sake (although I know what was happening was affecting her as much as it was affecting me.) The fact that she was able to do all of this emotional stuff for me ON TOP of doing everything else is just amazing. She was able to both work and make time to take me to doctors appointments, to parks and stores so that I could walk and build/test my strength, and keep food in the house. She had time to do my taxes (thank GOD...the money from the return has been paying the bills that have already started coming!) AND allowed me to pay my other bills first and then pay her with anything that remained (this was an issue that she NEVER pushed, but I felt like I had to do something for her in return for all that she had done for me...)

She did all that for me when I was sick, and now has done something just as important for me because I am better. The kayak means so much to me already...even though I haven't even been able to use it yet! It has given me something to be really excited about. I know what this kayak is going to mean to me when I am able to use it. Its going to give me freedom; its going to let me let go of all the things that have troubled me for so long. When you're out on the water, you cant help but be in that moment. You stop worrying about work, about doctors appointments, and about the little trivial things in life. You appreciate what is going on in the present. You notice more colors in the sunset and the gentle sound of the paddle and boat slicing through the water. But there is one more thing that I'm going to be aware of while I'm out there: I'm going to ALWAYS remember that it is because of my mom that I get to enjoy all of those things I mentioned. It is because of her and her only. Her kindness, generosity, selfless-ness and belief that things would get better allowed me to enjoy something that my heart has dreamed about for years.

She has always give me so much; she has made huge sacrifices and given me things at her own expense to try and make my life better and easier. Just allowing me to continue to live in her home has been such a huge gift. But with all of her gifts comes responsibility. Although she has given without the expectation of getting anything in return, everything that she has done for me has come with a lesson. Although I live here, I am responsible for room and board, food shopping, cleaning (although she does the bathroom), taking care of the dogs (which isn't a job when you love it!) and doing my own laundry (and some of hers if it is in line). Yes, I can "defer" a little on my payment to her, but I do have to get all of my other bills taken care of and do have to pay her back eventually (again, not that SHE pushes for this, but I try and make sure it's done ASAP). And now I have a kayak. It is up to ME to take care of it, be safe on the water, and get strong enough to load/unload it and use it. It is also up to me to pay back EVERY CENT of the expense. As goD as my witness, I WILL pay it all back. Even if I put off my trip to Florida this year, I WILL pay it all back. I am willing to make sacrifices too. A lesson that of course, was taught by my mom.

I am so thankful to her for everything she has done. And not just through this illness, but through out my whole life. I am strong enough to get through it all because of the strength that she gives me. And I am able to try new things and be who I truly am because of her love, her belief in me, and her support. She's always there to offer them; No matter WHAT crazy idea I come up with!

When I first walked into my "Canine and Feline Behavior" class in college, the first thing the instructor (the woman who changed my direction and focus) said was "I have the BEST dogs in the WHOLE WORLD". Now of course the whole class immediately went into an uproar. We all were convinced that WE had the best dogs on the planet. But the instructor only said it because of the point it raised: everything is relative. We ALL can be absolutely sure that we have the best dog in the world, but no one loves your dog as much as you do. And when it comes to the people in your life, the lesson is the same. I know that everyone out there believes that they have the best mom. But I know that to argue would be pointless. My mom is the best mom to ME. I just wanted to show everyone how special she is and how important she is to me. And of course how much I love her. I do not need a kayak. I dont even need to live in a house. I could be living in a cardboard box with nothing but the clothes on my back, and my dogs as companions, but I would never stop being grateful to, or loving my mom. She's done so much more than just bring me into this world: she's made sure I haven't left yet.

Getting back to good

So the verdict is in. After many MANY weeks of waiting, I can FINALLY go back to work! I called the doctor'f office on Monday (like I was supposed to) to get the results of my monitor. They weren't in (which I also expected...). So I called back Tuesday afternoon. They were in! The doctor said that I had a "significant" number of extra beats (yeah, no kidding...I felt them pounding away after all!) I had a lot of premature atrial contractions, but no prolonged tachycardia. I did not have any ventricular tachycardia...which is good, because that can be deadly. (Especially when you only have one ventricle!) As of right now, the only thing he said to do was just slightly up my morning dose of medication. I can't up or change it too much, because my blood pressure is so low. (It usually runs less than 100). I'm going to see him in a few weeks, and hopefully by then he will have some other options for me. In the mean time, I can go back to work (yay!!) He really wasn't thrilled about me driving, but as it is only 15 minutes away, I know the drive well and promised to drive safely, he said I could drive there. I still don't think I'm supposed to drive any where else for a while. I can probably drive to Lowell for the River Walk, but I'm sure I'm not supposed to go much further than that.
This, right now, isn't a problem. The weather is still quite cold (although we're expecting 50's+ this weekend!) and I don't want to be out in the woods somewhere with the dogs and then run into trouble. So for right now, we'll stick with the river walk. As every day goes by, I can do a little bit more and get a little bit stronger. I know that going back to work will wear me out, but hopefully it will make me stronger in the long run as well.
So, what does going back to work mean for us all? It means that I can get back into life's groove; get back on a regular schedule and back out into the real world. But going back to work has repercussions for life outside of work too. I'll no longer be home with my dogs ALL DAY. Their routines are going to change quite a bit too. But I don't want them to change too drastically. I have really enjoyed the daily things that we've been able to do together (while being trapped in the house) and don't want to change that just because I'll be gone from the house for 35 hours a week now. I'm going to try and make sure that we still get to do all of those special things; before or after work. I might not be able to do them all everyday, but...I'd still like to try. They're just little things, but they've definitely brought both me and the girls closer. They are things that we both enjoy. And not only am I going to be disappointing them by now leaving them every day for hours at a time, but try to take those things away too? I owe it to them to try and make sure that those little things still happen. They have done so much for me over the past few weeks; they deserve to still have special time with me when I get home from and before I go to work.
So I'm going to not only try and get the little things in (like brushing them every day, playing ball in the hallway until we can get out in the yard, etc.) but we're going to get some bigger special things in as well. When I was working before, my days off were Friday and Saturday. I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that these days don't change. It was nice because I would have one whole day to get everything necessary done (cleaning, food shopping, laundry etc.) and then the second day would be "doggy day". This was a special day where we did something or went somewhere we couldn't on the other days of the week. We would spend hours at the beach, drive to the mountains for a day of hiking and swimming, or go to a dog show. It was a really nice routine that we had; something really fun and special for all of us. I'm excited that I'll be able to do that stuff again. Spending so much time with the girls has been a really good and life changing experience. I've been shown how important we are to each other; how important they are to my health, healing, and sanity! I want to make sure that they are NEVER taken for granted and that they always feel special.
I know that going back to work is going to take some getting used to. For not only my body, but my mind too. I know that I will come back really tired for the first few weeks, and that I may not be able to anything too grand too quickly. But I'm OK with this; I think I would be having a harder time if it were warmer and I was able to drive further. Knowing that it was the first 60+ degree day and I could drive the 45 minutes to the beach would be torture for me if I didn't feel up to making and enjoying the trip because I was too fatigued. So hopefully this strengthening process with take me right up until the time when the warm weather does arrive and when I can travel extra distance it takes to bring us to our favorite places.

But something that is making the wait a little less easy to take, is something that happened the other day. My mom did something...a little crazy. And she did it for me.

I have wanted a kayak since I was probably 10 or 11 years old. I used to spend summers at my grandfathers camper in a really nice park on a lake in New Hampshire. I used to spend the long lazy days out on the water, both swimming and kayaking. It was absolute BLISS; heaven to a young girl who wanted to just escape the pressures of being a pre-teen and worrying about things that were important back then: boys, music and clothes. I just got to be alone with my own thoughts and really focus on what I wanted for MY future, without the input of my somewhat biased friends. Even back then, all I wanted to do was learn and think about dogs. I closed this love off for a while because it was an uncool subject to be interested in. Only when I was able to get into college did I really become comfortable with who I really was and what the passion was that was driving me. Those summers in New Hampshire let me be me for just a little while; it was liberating not having to pretend I was someone that I really wasn't. Trying to hide who you are and be something that you are not is exhausting. Although I still struggle with the insecurity of being a "loner" and being "different" because I spend my free time at agility class instead of bars, watch "It's me or the dog" instead of "The Bachelor", and spend more time and effort on my dogs diet than my own, I do feel more comfortable with who I really am. And that's been helped along by truly great friends (who actually ask me how my girls are...they acknowledge that they are MY kids!) and of course, my mom.

I didn't want this post to be too long, so In my next one I'll let you know just how much my mom knows me; what she has done for me and what she has given me...even if she doesn't know it.

Change of seasons, change of heart

The side yard: Friday


The same side yard: yesterday

The side yard one more time: today

I think Mother Nature must have a wicked sense of humor. Apparently she thinks its funny to tease people with beautiful warm spring temperatures one day, and then smack us with icy cold winter ones the next. Keep in mind that while you are out frolicking (or tossing around a frisbee) on those warm days, Mother Nature is plotting against you. She is bringing together several weather systems that, when joined, make up a huge mass of mess. And that mess is heading right for you. What, you may be asking, is the problem here? I mean, April (or in this case, March) showers bring May flowers right? Well that would be case if the huge storm steaming up the east coast right was bringing RAIN SHOWERS. But, alas. The storm headed for us here in New England is bringing snow. LOTS AND LOTS OF SNOW. It is forecast that we are supposed to be getting 10-15 INCHES! And Methuen, where Im located, is going to be right in the middle.

This isnt a storm that blankets ski country in Northern Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. This also isnt strictly a coastal storm that slams into the Cape and Islands. No, this storm is supposed to wallop us here in Massachusetts and Rhode Island. The "strike zone" runs from Rhode Island up through central Mass and Boston, to the North Shore, Merrimack Valley, and Southern New Hampshire. The Shelties and I live in that snow-belt: North of Boston; the boundary between the Merrimack Valley and North shore; on the border New Hampshire.

Yeah. Just our luck I guess. I mean, Im not saying that I wish this bohemouth of a storm on anyone else. Lord knows we've all had enough of the winter weather. But this is getting just a bit ridiculous. I mean, I understand that it is only March 1st and we've technically got a few more weeks of winter to go. (The groundhog did see his shadow this year, right??) But I think every one is pretty sick of the winter. Everyone is sick of getting up and shoveling, spreading ice melt, and driving behind plows on the highway. Everyone is sick of the cold temperatures that bite at any skin left exposed between layers and layers of clothes. The dogs are sick of wading through chest height cold white soup, getting ice and snow balls tangled in their hair, and having to wear booties. They dont like being this inactive. And maybe, for me anyways, this is where the root of the problem lies.

This winter has been tough. For obvious reasons. Im usually pretty active in the winter, which in turn, means the girls are pretty active too. We usually enjoy our winter walks on packed paths through the woods and fields. We never go out when it is really bitterly cold, but on the milder days, we can usually always be found out of doors enjoying our strolls. But this year we've been essentially house (and hospital) bound. The few times that we have been able to get out and about have just been within the past few weeks. Other than that, we've pretty much been winter shut ins.

I think that this is really why I am feeling so sick of winter. I cant ever remember being "fed up" with a season before. I mean, I LOVE living in New England. The change of seasons here are unlike any where else. Usually one season dominates another. Sure, people in Alaska may see spring, summer and fall, but they are usually all rolled into one brief interlude between winters. And in places like Florida, theres only one season with slight temperatire fluctuations that give you variations of that season; that season being summer. In New England though, we see every single change of season with really bright and predictable differences. In winter we get cold temperatures and snow. Sure, some years it is colder and snowier than others, but every winter is fairly the same. Temps that range from the balmy 40's to the bone chilling minus teens. Then comes spring. Spring brings the milder temperatures and warmer breezes. The beginning of spring brings the surplus of water from winters thaw and April's showers. The end of spring brings the really nice warmth that allows you to spend all day outside, and the renewal of life. The trees become full again and the flowers bloom so fast and so bright, that the previous world of gloom and gray is suddenly transformed into a bright world of color. Then spring changes almost imperceptiably into summer. The start of summer brings warmer weather, but this warmer air is still laden with the perfumed scent of springs still blooming flowers. As the temperatures continue to rise, the real fun begins. Swimming in any kind of water you can find: pools in back yard, lakes and streams in the mountains, and in the ocean at the beach. All of the other really fun outdoor activities can restart too: biking, kayaking, and hiking. True, just like with winter, the exteme temperatures of summer can grow tiring as well. By then end of summer you are bored with and sick of the really blistering hot dog days of August, but just as you are growing weary of it, summer changes to fall. Fall truly is a season that may not be able to be fully descibed here. I just may not be able to give the season the justice it deserves. The temperatures cool back down again, but dont immediately get cold; only more comfortable. You can shut of the air-conditioners and throw your windows open wide. The walks can grow longer and more frequent now that your not having to go at odd hours like in the early morning or late evening to avoid the heat. Although the leaves on the trees and shrubs are nearing the end of their life's cycle, they really come alive. The cooler temperatures allow the foliage to explode with color: the rich red, orange and yellow hues paint everything that the eye can see. The whole landscape is transformed. People from all over the world come to see YOUR beautiful back yard. It really is something truly amazing to behold. This is the season when you are most grateful to live here in New England. But before you can get really used to and comfortable with the season, it changes once again. The end of fall sees the cool temperatures plummit into COLD temperatures. The beautiful colored leaves continue to wither and then fall away. The landscape once again becomes barren; but it still retains a certain beauty about it. The sunsets become earlier, and the skies become grayer: a sign of the snow and winter to come.

Although every season has it's own beauty and magic to it, once the novelty of the season has worn off, some of its charm starts to wear away too. And of course other things happening in life can affect your feelings about a season as well. This season has been hard not only on me, but on a lot of people out there. On his Bedlam Farm blog, author Jon Katz has been writing on this very subject for almost the whole of this winter. The tough economic times, changing world around us and our own personal situations have become a cause for great concern for us all. We find ourselves worrying more; living in fear of what is to come. When will the other shoe drop? What is to become of us all? I think that the bleakness of winter and the inability to occupy our time with more positive activities has lead us down a path of more anxiety about turbulance and turmoil that has surrounded us. But there is hope.

Spring will find us. It will come to us all. It is Natures way of reminding us that there are still things to look forward to. If we can just get through the gray murkiness of where we are now, we will find ourselves in a much better, warmer and more colorful place. And again, this is both in terms of the seasons and in our lives. If we put everything into perspective, we will stop worrying so much about the future, but be able to look at it with a more positive eye. We will be able to get back to basics, and really find out what is most important to each of us. If we can just get through this next winter storm, and look at the beauty of the snow as it falls and decorates our landscape for perhaps the last time this year, we will be able to appreciate it (instead of laothe it). And when the warmth and hope of spring finally does come, we will be able to appreciate that more too.

So Im going to try and keep my spiritis up through these last few weeks of winter. Hopefully the start of spring will also see the restart of my life. I'll hopefully be able to get back to work and ease a little bit of my economic worry. And just as the warmer weather arrives, I'll also hopefully be able to really get out and enjoy that too. But in the mean time, Im going to enjoy the flakes as they fall today, and really marvel in the beauty that will hopefully be the last of winter.

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**For any one who has missed seeing the Shelties in this post, fear not! Here are some pictures of the girls on our recent walks; the one taken with the grass was on Friday (temps in the 50's!!) and the snowy ones were taken last night before the snow started to really fall and pile up (when I wrote this blog). The girls ask if you could kindly refrain from laughing at them in their coats and booties. They wear them to protect from the snow and ice. (And sand and salt used to treat the public path; which is why they're wearing them in the picture from Friday too!) I also apologize for the bright lights in the pictures (those would be the reflective strips on their booties, caught in the flash!) and the "Scarey eyes" on the girls (also due to the stupid flash). And as of right now, we probably have about 10 inches or so...I havent been brave enough to actually go out and measure!

Heidi sporting the latest Sheltie winter-wear

A picture of Shelby doing what Shelties do on lazy snow-days. "Im sorry, did you just ask me if I wanted to go out? In THAT??"